DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

 DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

When you realize your truth are their lies

No longer is there anything to believe.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing left to believe.

Belief is trust.

Trust is a hoax.

Hoax is your life.

Life is void.

Void is dead.

Dead is living in the darkness which permeates the soul.

All is bemused.

Nothing is real.

The mind, brutally severed from life

Is cast adrift into the abyss,

Existing alone

In the prison of its own reality.

DEV

4-22-94

  

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Bittersweet Symphony

I am here in my mold.

YOU CANNOT HELP ME...

THE CORE

Copyright protected.  These are my words.  Please do not use, copy or alter in anyway.  Thank you.




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In the beginning,

               There was one, innocent and fragile,

               A delicate balance of life. 

Out of fear,

               Came another to save you,

               To keep you sane.

Another, out of anger

               An uncontrollable rage,

 And yet, another out of pain,

               A pain so loud, so deep,

               That not even ANOTHER could yield silence.

Nor, another.

Nor, another.

Many have tried, to no avail.

Your pain still screams, piercing the night.

It echoes in our hearts.

We are your soul.

We are your being.

We are your survivors.

We live for you.

We feel for you.

We are your protection.

You are hidden, forever safe.

Free from the darkness of the past.

Free from the trepidation of the future.

We live in your silence.

We live in your absence.

We are you—but separate.

You are the trunk,

We are the branches.

You are the river,

We are the ocean.

You are the mirror,

We are the reflection.

You are life,

We are the expression of life.

You are the core.

The place where we begin,

The place where we end.

All of us—we are your Pride.

Separate, yet together.

Many, albeit, one.

IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

'N/SW',

Why do we always have to argue about who will see you?  It is so unfair.  There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say.  There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel.  Why I am feeling all of these emotions?  Where are they coming from?  I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil.  And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. 

AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE.  I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME.  I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I FEEL MESSED UP.  I AM MESSED UP.  THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.  YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP. 

I KNOW YOU HATE ME.  I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.  WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?  IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?  I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.  AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.  IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE. 

I HATE YOU.  I HATE THERAPY.  I HATE LIFE.  I HATE EVERYTHING.  FUCK THE WORLD. 

SIMF.

DEV

THE LIST

IS THE SHELL BEGINNING TO CRACK?

TO ‘N/SW’,

ON MY WAY HOME, AFTER OUR SESSION, I WAS THINKING, “WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TO COME OUT AND TALK TO YOU?” (THAT WAS YOUR QUESTION).  I THINK IT IS MORE THAN “BARBIE BAD ASS”!! LOL

I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A LIST SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY?  BECAUSE—IT FUCKING BLOWS MY MIND THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.  TODAY IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SAID ALOUD THOSE “WORDS”.  YOU KNOW, THE ONES ABOUT ‘TINY’  AND THE CATS.  I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS HERE DUDE.  THAT WAS THE FIRST FUCKING TIME EVER.   AND THE THING ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THE KNIFE, TOO.   SO HERE GOES.

THE LIST

1.      YOU SEEM PRESENT IN THE ROOM, UNLIKE THE PREVIOUS THERAPIST.

2.      YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A COLD FISH.

3.      YOU TALK TO ME.

4.      IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FAKE.

5.      YOU ARE VERY SMART.  i.e., YOU DON’T DO STUPID!  LOL

6.      I FEEL LIKE YOU ‘GET IT’. i.e., LIKE THE CUTTING AND WHY I DO IT.

7.      YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHO I AM AND WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. (FUCK THAT SENTENCE SOUNDS STUPID. i yam what i yam what i yam!!)

8.      YOU SEEM ACCEPTING OF ME AND ALLOW ME TO BE MYSELF, AS UGLY AS THAT MIGHT BE.

9.      YOU SEEM GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ‘JUST A HUMAN BEING’ WITH YOUR OWN FLAWS.

10.   YOU CAN ADMIT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AND SHARE THE WORK YOU HAVE DONE.

11.   YOU ARE NOT AFRAID TO SHOW ANGER AT INJUSTICES.

12.   YOU CAN SEEM VULNERABLE. (I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY).

13.   YOU LISTEN.

OKAY.  I GUESS I WILL STOP ON LUCKY 13.  I SHOULD ADD TWO MORE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MY AGE!!  BUT I AM SUDDENLY FEELING VERY TIRED.  SO I NEED TO GO BACK IN AND LET SOMEONE ELSE COME TO THE FRONT.



Picture by Amanda Richards on Flickr.  No copyright infringement intended.

OUT OF CONTROL



HERE I AM!!!!

The old two for one…I strike when you least expect it and I am violently whirling out of control.

Yep, a freak of f**king nature...THAT WOULD BE ME.

I knew it would not last.  It never does and I should NEVER expect that it would.

I don’t even know why I feel so angry.  It just creeps up on me like a slithering snake.  It must be a trigger, but I cannot figure out what happens.  Is it the thought of you, ‘n/sw’?  That HAS to be it.  I just cannot feel close to ANYONE.  The minute I do, BAM…IT HITS ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  SHOULD I SCREAM OR HIT SOMETHING.  OR MAYBE I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND TAKE A FEW PILLS.  That usually does the trick. 

Honestly, I am hoping I can write my way out of this alien invasion of my brain.  That is what it feels like…the little space men have taken over my mind.  They are sucking up my brain waves and all that is left is my uncontrollable rage.

I am sitting here looking at this ass wipe computer screen.  My leg is shaking up and down, ninety miles an hour.  I feel like I am going to explode into another one million pieces for the billionth time.  Really, wtf?  I do not understand why I can’t get over this fear of attachment.  Yes, we have read the books.  Yes, we understand why it is here.  What difference has it made? 

I guess you want to help me…do you ‘n/sw’?  See, I don’t even know if I believe that, right at this moment.  You probably hate my guts.  You probably regret the day you took over my therapy from that loser asshole I had before you.  That wimpy little prick that screwed me over.  Twenty damn years with him…for what?  Just to let him hurt us like everyone else in our f**king life.  The last five years with him were nothing but a joke.  He proclaimed how much he wanted to repair the therapeutic relationship and he still wanted to be our therapist.  It was just empty words.  LIE AFTER LIE AFTER F**KING LIE.  WHY?  How could he do this to us?  Then when we would mention that he was not the same or that he had totally changed the way he treated us, or it seemed like he did not want to be our therapist any more, he would just say that it would be better this time.  He would tell us we were paranoid.  He would tell us we felt this way because of our past experiences.  HE WAS A BALL-LESS UNICH.  OH, EXCUSE ME!  That is redundant.   

And then the woman before him was just as bad.  She crossed boundaries too and then “the husband” turned her in because we were becoming a little less enmeshed and codependent from him.  So, he felt threatened.  Then we were banned from seeing her.  WTF?  Maybe we are not supposed to have therapy.  Maybe the gods are against us.  All I know is that this sucks big time and I am sick of all the bull shit. 

You know, you could have at least texted ‘A  ie’ back.  Maybe if you would have done that we would not be so f**king angry.  But, you did say that sometimes you do things to keep your clients ‘off guard’, to keep them from putting you on a pedestal.  Well, that is all fine and dandy.  But, it sure as hell is not helping us right now. 

GO TO HELL.

yOU ARE NO DIFFERENT

THAN THE REST.

The MadHatter…Hats off to YOU, ‘N/SW’!!!

I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU DID THIS...

OKAY…I just do not understand.  What the other T could not do in 20 years, you seem to have done in…how many months has it been since we started seeing you?  I am not even sure.  I would have to find a receipt or a calendar to look it up.  You were going to be insignificant in my eyes, so I was not paying attention.

By NO MEANS am I saying that you have totally gained our trust.  But, I will admit there are many who have begun to trust you and your opinions.  What is it about you?  Are you a hypnotist?  I do not think you are; you never talk about hypnosis.  I am puzzled.  So, being puzzled will keep me on the skeptical side.  I like to figure people out.  But, maybe because you seem so honest, forthright and open, there is nothing to figure out.  Is there really hope?  Do you honestly think we can thrive instead of survive?  Either we are totally duped or you are just a very good T.  So anyway, I just wanted to say:

This could all change in a matter of minutes!!!

As you well know!!!