tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-16799986128774561512024-03-05T00:55:54.996-06:00Hickory Dickory Dockrunning down the clock. running down the clock. running down to Crimson Red. running down to CRIMSON RED.
LANGUAGE AND TOPIC MAY OFFEND OR 'TRIGGER'. LANGUAGE AND TOPIC MAY OFFEND OR 'TRIGGER'. LANGUAGE AND TOPIC MAY OFFEND OR 'TRIGGER'. LANGUAGE AND TOPIC MAY OFFEND OR 'TRIGGER'. LANGUAGE AND TOPIC MAY OFFEND OR 'TRIGGER'. LANGUAGE AND TOPIC MAY OFFEND OR 'TRIGGER'.Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-80062306753880162912011-10-07T16:19:00.002-05:002011-10-07T16:19:27.013-05:00Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I think
someone from my past must have put a curse on me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It feels like no matter what I do, nothing
gets much better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to take all the
advice from my teacher.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We</span> have started
djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I
am not saying drumming does not help.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
is awesome.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is very relaxing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We are </span>starting Tai Chi.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We</span> go to group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We</span> try not to miss any sessions or
group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I guess all
of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Everyone makes it seem so easy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this
instead of that.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Fuck I hate that
word.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Choose my ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> We</span> can’t even make a simple decision like
where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I just feel
trapped.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am trapped in a situation I
don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Trapped is a trigger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How do I get
rid of the triggers?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have worked on my
abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I give up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I will never be connected to
anyone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know we are all
connected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But what does that feel like?<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;">
<span style="font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What does it
feel like to have a soul connection to another human?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-25399799711507493412011-09-03T15:18:00.000-05:002011-09-03T15:18:26.337-05:00SICK OF LIVING HERE...I am so sick of being here. I don't know if I am sick of being alive or just sick of being in this fucked up situation I refuse to leave. I feel like I just want to run away. Everytime I do anything it is wrong. Everytime I open my mouth I am accused of trying to tell him what to do or his favorite term "supervising". I know I am not perfect. He always says I accuse him...that everything is HIS fault, that it is never ME. But, that is not the truth. I told him that was a bunch of shit. I have been in therapy for over 20 years working on all my issues--that he is the one that refuses to go into therapy and get help. I can't take this shit much longer. I feel like I could scream. THen I feel like I could curl up in the fetal position and hide in a corner some place. I just want to cry and I can't. I feel like I am going to explode.
I want out of here. I just have no place to go...no job...no way of supporting myself. I have not worked in so many years. No one is going to hire me. Then I have my handicaps to deal with...life sucks and then you die.
AIEDevhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-78799535817372820862011-08-04T21:49:00.001-05:002011-08-04T21:50:48.033-05:00SO WHAT, WE FORGOT TO EAT...<span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Okay so I got all involved with making pictures and I forgot to eat.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why is this such a big deal?</span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is not the first time and it probably will not be the last.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just like doing those pictures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I wanted to show them to you Wednesday when we saw you but fml1 was with you.<o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">He is coming home tonight.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Crap.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>EF EF EF EF EF EF EF….<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">‘N/SW’, I really need to see you next week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What I mean is I need to be ‘out’ when we are there…I feel like I am going to lose it big time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hate feeling so weak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It scares me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I get this feeling of doom like something horrible is going to happen and I won’t be able to stop it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I thought about calling you today...but you know that is not going to happen. <span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></div><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri;">I just feel like a royal pain in the ass.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to be this needy, clingy little brat bothering you all the time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you have your own life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But right now we don’t have much a life except for you and group.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And I don’t feel like I can call them. I know---that is not your problem.</span><br />
</div></span><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I was always angry with the other T.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now, with you, I feel sad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is that better?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It does not feel better.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, at least I have not done anything to hurt the body.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We all have so much to tell you and there just is not enough time for all of us to ‘come out’ in our session and talk.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Did you like the box?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You probably think it looks stupid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, we do work well together when we put our minds to it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Our room is turning out to be a group project too.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so glad we have it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has to be one of the best ideas you have come up with so far.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is starting to feel safe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is starting to feel like ours.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Now if we could just get a lock on the door to keep HIM out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is going to be a monumental task for us because we are all afraid of his anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span></span></span></span></div><span style="font-family: Calibri;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Oh well, I guess I better start locking up the filing cabinet and the trunk before he gets here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Thank you for all you do for us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I never thought I would be able to connect to you after what the last T did to us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I do believe we are all starting to trust you…..even fml3.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He reminds me of the way I used to be.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I pity you!!!<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;">Dev </span><span style="font-family: Wingdings; font-size: 16pt; mso-ascii-font-family: Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-char-type: symbol; mso-hansi-font-family: Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;"><span style="mso-char-type: symbol; mso-symbol-font-family: Wingdings;">J</span></span><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Times New Roman; font-size: small;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div></span><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-46931297966353800012011-07-29T04:26:00.000-05:002011-07-29T04:26:43.363-05:00Why do I have to keep on livingNo one really has to read this...it is going to be nothing but negativity. I have been suicidal since Tuesday evening. Saw a fill in therapist Wednesday evening since 'N/SW' was out of town, AGAIN.<br />
I guess it helped. She was very nice and we talked for about two hours. We made a plan to keep me alive...whoopee shit. Yesterday I spent the entire day, 9 to 5, at 'N/SW' office. I worked with clay, wrote, played with the cat. I finally decided I needed to come home. I am a little vague about what happened after that, except for brushing the dog and then going to bed.<br />
<br />
I have been awake since 1:15 am and I cannot go back to sleep. I layed there until 3:30 am and I just could not take it anymore. <br />
<br />
I am sick of being alive. I hate this life. I hate being in the same room with 'H'. I hate my mind. I hate everything. I am a loser. I am nothing. I just want to die. No one cares about me. Why should they? No one ever cares about anyone.<br />
<br />
It is nothing but bullshit. It is ARTIFICIAL BAIT. WE ARE ALONE. EVERYONE IS ALONE. NOTHING WE DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. NOTHING EVER HELPS FOR VERY LONG. I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE. I CANNOT FILL THE VOID. ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO ESCAPE IT. <br />
<br />
I GO TO SEE 'N/SW' TODAY. SHE IS BACK FROM HER TRIP. BUT, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO. SHE CAN'T HELP ME. I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF AND I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT. BESIDES, I HATE HER.Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-80339397882526531352011-07-22T05:54:00.000-05:002011-07-22T05:54:32.291-05:00TGIF<span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">This has been the longest week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am so glad it is Friday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Freedom starts Sunday.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday was a better day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did a lot in our room.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Spending the day at your office Wednesday was the cure for our anger and malaise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It had been too long since we cried--especially since we cried from the depths of our soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It has such a cleansing effect; it calms the “beasts” inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></span></div><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We have just not been able to write anything productive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I hope it comes back, because it helped so much and gave us such a sense of accomplishment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I guess if I cannot write I will work on our room some more.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be able to draw and paint.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to be creative.<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-13951199296321728592011-07-20T07:44:00.001-05:002011-07-22T07:06:04.471-05:00NO PRIVACY, NOTHING BELONGS JUST TO ME!!!<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq0T1n5I7mrBKiSMcMB3_i5wdPoMuDxHi1yp4wkdwbd9dyqUuxS7F1QMveoNAXeV3DjiRPbeaYZ6jzNRbuv362q7Lm74rdnqRulAgsNJqF6-21vNkPUhl2ta9e9bM8DrWe4kKWt050-gY/s1600/26500_10150169911505304_10150091431395304_11938041_5111354_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjq0T1n5I7mrBKiSMcMB3_i5wdPoMuDxHi1yp4wkdwbd9dyqUuxS7F1QMveoNAXeV3DjiRPbeaYZ6jzNRbuv362q7Lm74rdnqRulAgsNJqF6-21vNkPUhl2ta9e9bM8DrWe4kKWt050-gY/s400/26500_10150169911505304_10150091431395304_11938041_5111354_n.jpg" width="316" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I HAVE NO IDEA...</td></tr>
</tbody></table><br />
<br />
I don't mean to be a bitch or maybe I do. But, I just want him to STAY OUT of my room. I was up around 5:00am and when I went into my room, he had left some of his shit papers and a bill on MY COMPUTER. I hate him. It ruined my whole day. I could not write anything worth a damn. Now I feel all this negative energy in here and I do not know how to make it go away. Why did he leave that crap on my computer. Oh, I know why. He is like a fucking male dog marking his territory. Asshole. I have to go to your office today. I talked to 'D' yesterday and she asked me if I was coming to 'hang out'. I told her I probably would and now I know I AM FOR SURE. I did not want to leave your office yesterday. It just feels so positive and I do not feel like all the walls are closing in on me like at home. I don't know where all this anger comes from...I feel like I am going to explode. The problem is that my anger scares me. I feel like I will lose control of myself...like I will go insane. Then it turns to pain and the pain feels overwhelming and I need to make it stop. Then, someone else will 'come out'. This can be positive. It just depends on who it is...it could be negative it they are feeling the pain and try to stop it by cutting. Life is so fucked up. I cannot deal with this. I have to go.<br />
<br />
'fml1'Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-69547231054695964272011-07-16T21:24:00.000-05:002011-07-16T21:24:17.534-05:00DEPRESSION, SADNESS, FEAR, ANGER, HATE, LOVE<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuIEpUzeTKY1NFQdBsJKvq06fOUiWaRQRjb7oWsYC7SMytHDTrce3AT0YpldLli7AHV3lI_Gams3E8wv44N42dUXLzuEwNNWMIv8_fCp-l8Brxyx2OulyKZH1tjAWNSetwWPslKdrHtys/s1600/248932_137552842986355_132587633482876_246515_1903198_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjuIEpUzeTKY1NFQdBsJKvq06fOUiWaRQRjb7oWsYC7SMytHDTrce3AT0YpldLli7AHV3lI_Gams3E8wv44N42dUXLzuEwNNWMIv8_fCp-l8Brxyx2OulyKZH1tjAWNSetwWPslKdrHtys/s320/248932_137552842986355_132587633482876_246515_1903198_n.jpg" width="294" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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</div><div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">"N/SW"</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">We are so depressed. No one has the courage to leave him in the den and come up to our room where we feel safe...where we can write or I can make pictures. I am so sick of watching TV. It is boring. It makes me want to eat. How are we going to get through the next week with him here and you gone. I could scream. It feels impossible. SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS IMPOSSIBLE. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">The 'cook' cooked today. But other than that we have hardly done anything. We got up at 5:00am and that is way too long to be up. Maybe we should just go to bed and read. This has become the blog for others to post their feelings because other blogs can no longer be used. 'R' is totally pissed off. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Oh well, I guess I will go. You won't see this anyway...I am not going to write it in our journal. When you finally return, there is no need to overwhelm you with pages and pages of bull shit. I know a lot of us miss you and hope you are okay. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">DEV</div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-15741063330652574992011-07-13T13:27:00.001-05:002011-07-13T13:27:12.934-05:00WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Y5eHm-oS7yFO59zvMYEJCfPFwtfBGWMTjVKD0GLPw3zLsbn59-ygg1hoC2vlb0zfo-GF_AbE1Uz7f7z6gkUIxD32AYwLhuaihw62uIem_siuqaoDPfD_SKYRSoFjJ502AXQQIvGduXA/s1600/Adam+Scott+Miller+Path+with+Heart.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj3Y5eHm-oS7yFO59zvMYEJCfPFwtfBGWMTjVKD0GLPw3zLsbn59-ygg1hoC2vlb0zfo-GF_AbE1Uz7f7z6gkUIxD32AYwLhuaihw62uIem_siuqaoDPfD_SKYRSoFjJ502AXQQIvGduXA/s640/Adam+Scott+Miller+Path+with+Heart.jpg" width="468" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Copyright: Adam Scott Miller, Path with Heart</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />
Yes, I know the answer to the question. I just hate it when you go away, "N/SW". It really frightens me. I feel small. I feel lost. But, I DO NOT FEEL ANGRY. Now that is a change for me. I think I would rather be angry than feel this emptiness inside. I am not used to this feeling. It is new to me. You are the one that has helped me find this 'un-angry Dev'. But I am not sure I like him/me. I do not like the pain it creates, the sadness, the fear. I am supposed to be FEARLESS. That is my role. To be and do the ugly, the vile, the sick, the evil, and all those things they made me do. You say I did not choose to be his son, that I do NOT HAVE TO BE HIS SON. But, he is my father. HE CHOSE ME. Do you want me to die "N/SW"? If I deny him I will die. I will never be safe again. No one will be safe again. <br />
<br />
I cannot write anymore or I will need to do something to stop the pain and I don't want to do anything BAD. I am sick of being BAD. Okay?<br />
<br />
Dev<br />
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Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-36479038215240808342011-07-12T10:47:00.003-05:002011-07-12T10:47:54.428-05:00Blogger sites suckwhy do you always mess with this blog. I hate you.Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-46148589195989397472011-06-28T20:39:00.000-05:002011-06-28T20:39:45.396-05:00DARKNESS, MY TRUTH<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK9vHit5lNlSYntz4n14T8mFgHkeOiuYcE3nvtLRWjkf43z7ycWWYQC9Wwl1jfI8mTunovK8SLxCI1Jy5R3YuncJHru90YBxk0qS6-Nl-gkI7JHyr_-hgkHwX3VyIpuyvpF9it2PCZW6E/s1600/tumblr_lb4rc9frzX1qbuouio1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="192" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjK9vHit5lNlSYntz4n14T8mFgHkeOiuYcE3nvtLRWjkf43z7ycWWYQC9Wwl1jfI8mTunovK8SLxCI1Jy5R3YuncJHru90YBxk0qS6-Nl-gkI7JHyr_-hgkHwX3VyIpuyvpF9it2PCZW6E/s320/tumblr_lb4rc9frzX1qbuouio1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>DARKNESS, MY TRUTH<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">When
you realize your truth are their lies</span></b></div>
<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">No
longer is there anything to believe.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Nothing.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Nothing.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Nothing
left to believe.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Belief
is trust.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Trust
is a hoax.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Hoax
is your life.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Life
is void.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Void
is dead.</span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Dead
is living in the darkness which permeates the soul.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">All
is bemused.</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Nothing
is real.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">The
mind, brutally severed from life</span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Is
cast adrift into the abyss,<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Existing
alone<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">In
the prison of its own reality.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">DEV<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">4-22-94<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Copyright
protected.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please do not copy or
reproduce in any way shape or form.<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Cambria","serif"; font-size: 14pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><o:p><strong>Picture from </strong><span style="font-family: "Calibri","sans-serif"; font-size: 11pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">tumblr_lb4rc9frzX1qbuouio1_500</span><strong> </strong></o:p></span></div>
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Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-12077724074566075382011-06-21T17:37:00.001-05:002011-06-29T18:08:54.064-05:00Bittersweet Symphony<a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/TheHickorydickorydoc?feature=mhee#p/c/EEBADE4926033ACD/1/LTpIU_-B_18">I am here in my mold.</a><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyUzB8LyNfYhE9KSeIrvUz9JRZvjKT5sC788ixV6AMbcFruPuJ74Fmfm8Chq1KwOMwQW1Pj9Q44Ejdk2RlGR_qCfvEZFYJDR-ic3lFZwTcHX4tpxtthjM27LdvcvJiN8SZWNUvCZ87BZU/s1600/suicide+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyUzB8LyNfYhE9KSeIrvUz9JRZvjKT5sC788ixV6AMbcFruPuJ74Fmfm8Chq1KwOMwQW1Pj9Q44Ejdk2RlGR_qCfvEZFYJDR-ic3lFZwTcHX4tpxtthjM27LdvcvJiN8SZWNUvCZ87BZU/s400/suicide+%25282%2529.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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YOU CANNOT HELP ME...</div>
Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-88228408493894508722011-06-20T13:52:00.000-05:002011-06-20T13:52:53.635-05:00THE CORE
Copyright protected. These are my words. Please do not use, copy or alter in anyway. Thank you.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtRiWtgfwWo7jcwnfrCiYUGKnBsmMQiJeqhwiVqufOpV9X8D2bB80ZoYWSVin5wCdMU4Az84TmI2O5VCvQ5sWGBYrZcjRmelUGbjTJ7tQjyN9HXbNwZVBBwXm9nSjNVVSe2v-Wot7E868/s1600/227554_210929145599067_191242497567732_791946_1949974_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgtRiWtgfwWo7jcwnfrCiYUGKnBsmMQiJeqhwiVqufOpV9X8D2bB80ZoYWSVin5wCdMU4Az84TmI2O5VCvQ5sWGBYrZcjRmelUGbjTJ7tQjyN9HXbNwZVBBwXm9nSjNVVSe2v-Wot7E868/s400/227554_210929145599067_191242497567732_791946_1949974_n.jpg" width="300" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">copyright on photo</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">In the beginning,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>There
was one, innocent and fragile,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A
delicate balance of life.</span><o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Out of fear,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Came
another to save you,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>To
keep you sane.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Another, out of anger</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>An
uncontrollable rage,<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span></o:p><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And yet, another out of pain,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>A pain
so loud, so deep,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>That
not even ANOTHER could yield silence.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nor, another.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Nor, another.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Many have tried, to no avail.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Your pain still screams, piercing the night.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">It echoes in our hearts.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are your soul.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are your being.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are your survivors.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We live for you.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We feel for you.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are your protection.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are hidden, forever safe.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Free from the darkness of the past.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Free from the trepidation of the future.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We live in your silence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We live in your absence.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are you—but separate.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are the trunk,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are the branches.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are the river,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are the ocean.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are the mirror,</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are the reflection.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are life,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are the expression of life.</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">You are the core.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The place where we begin,</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">The place where we end.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">All of us—we are your Pride.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Separate, yet together.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;">Many, albeit, one.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-68923767592434982172011-06-15T05:54:00.028-05:002011-06-15T06:14:44.952-05:00IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_OibQUuhNs4l7Aqo974S19-XLjJeG-nCQrAelabxFe8gw5_rxxHqjmMcbkvTyb7Bg84Azb0orzbNBFnbZhFdrxe5ogsxdO2lCHslK8kJeJLjvS88ArkgOmuy0woIsVDQpRmGOeT9s6gw/s1600/tumblr_lftdcyWumD1qgs5eio1_500.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_OibQUuhNs4l7Aqo974S19-XLjJeG-nCQrAelabxFe8gw5_rxxHqjmMcbkvTyb7Bg84Azb0orzbNBFnbZhFdrxe5ogsxdO2lCHslK8kJeJLjvS88ArkgOmuy0woIsVDQpRmGOeT9s6gw/s320/tumblr_lftdcyWumD1qgs5eio1_500.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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'N/SW',<br />
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Why do we always have to argue about who will see you? It is so unfair. There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say. There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel. Why I am feeling all of these emotions? Where are they coming from? I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil. And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. <br />
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AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE. I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME. I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? I FEEL MESSED UP. I AM MESSED UP. THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME. YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP.
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I KNOW YOU HATE ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE
ME ANYMORE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">I HATE YOU.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HATE THERAPY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I HATE LIFE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I HATE EVERYTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>FUCK THE
WORLD. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">SIMF.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 18pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";">DEV</span></div>
Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-82542900909676295972011-06-09T11:36:00.000-05:002011-06-09T11:36:52.659-05:00THE LIST<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimpTOqnQUb5w5tIf70R80tPET8wy_gAWolOzI4D-asYqWkxC8pmnQnfMl-gNsvVbwgfiMt2cuqxTrbA_FWB6UlYeWkVr4p7FNSfQYAdTTXuX_HQTuxb9npPNnNrdb-KuX96zvDYDyXLPY/s1600/Amanda+Richards+on+flicker+com.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimpTOqnQUb5w5tIf70R80tPET8wy_gAWolOzI4D-asYqWkxC8pmnQnfMl-gNsvVbwgfiMt2cuqxTrbA_FWB6UlYeWkVr4p7FNSfQYAdTTXuX_HQTuxb9npPNnNrdb-KuX96zvDYDyXLPY/s400/Amanda+Richards+on+flicker+com.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">IS THE SHELL BEGINNING TO CRACK?</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">TO ‘N/SW’,<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">ON MY WAY HOME, AFTER OUR SESSION, I WAS THINKING, “WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TO COME OUT AND TALK TO YOU?” (THAT WAS YOUR QUESTION).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I THINK IT IS MORE THAN “BARBIE BAD ASS”!! LOL<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A LIST SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BECAUSE—IT FUCKING BLOWS MY MIND THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>TODAY IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SAID ALOUD THOSE “WORDS”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>YOU KNOW, THE ONES ABOUT ‘TINY’<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND THE CATS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS HERE DUDE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THAT WAS THE <span style="font-size: 26pt;">FIRST</span> FUCKING <span style="font-size: 26pt;">TIME EVER</span>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>AND THE THING ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THE KNIFE, TOO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SO HERE GOES.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">THE LIST<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">1.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU SEEM PRESENT IN THE ROOM, UNLIKE THE PREVIOUS THERAPIST.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">2.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A COLD FISH.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">3.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU TALK TO ME.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">4.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FAKE.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">5.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU ARE VERY SMART.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>i.e., YOU DON’T DO STUPID!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LOL<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I FEEL LIKE YOU ‘GET IT’. i.e., LIKE THE CUTTING AND WHY I DO IT.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">7.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHO I AM AND WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. (FUCK THAT SENTENCE SOUNDS STUPID. i yam what i yam what i yam!!)<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">8.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU SEEM ACCEPTING OF ME AND ALLOW ME TO BE MYSELF, AS UGLY AS THAT MIGHT BE.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">9.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU SEEM GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ‘JUST A HUMAN BEING’ WITH YOUR OWN FLAWS.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">10.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU CAN ADMIT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AND SHARE THE WORK YOU HAVE DONE.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">11.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU ARE NOT AFRAID TO SHOW ANGER AT INJUSTICES.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">12.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU CAN SEEM VULNERABLE. (I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY).<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.5in; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">13.</span><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;">YOU LISTEN.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">OKAY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I GUESS I WILL STOP ON LUCKY 13.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I SHOULD ADD TWO MORE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MY AGE!!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BUT I AM SUDDENLY FEELING VERY TIRED.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SO I NEED TO GO BACK IN AND LET SOMEONE ELSE COME TO THE FRONT.<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><br />
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Picture by Amanda Richards on Flickr. No copyright infringement intended.Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-75200264916451445432011-06-03T18:34:00.000-05:002011-06-03T18:34:15.052-05:00OUT OF CONTROL<div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjov4GacUL_Qd7RsbjyW5EIZP8f8MU6cpJyb2FANcHb7OJfsCajYj1McDnt1doopiGD9N-euL3dkSPcEXb2IIxM1As81HbbzEQu5XJnZZvbjhTWkg3lHLXvDjV2GobfGEgG7lSBWFzDzj0/s1600/tornado.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjov4GacUL_Qd7RsbjyW5EIZP8f8MU6cpJyb2FANcHb7OJfsCajYj1McDnt1doopiGD9N-euL3dkSPcEXb2IIxM1As81HbbzEQu5XJnZZvbjhTWkg3lHLXvDjV2GobfGEgG7lSBWFzDzj0/s400/tornado.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Algerian; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">HERE I AM!!!!</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">The old two for one…I strike when you least expect it and I am violently whirling out of control.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Yep, a freak of f**king nature...THAT WOULD BE ME.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">I knew it would not last. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never does and I should NEVER expect that it would.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">I don’t even know why I feel so angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It just creeps up on me like a slithering snake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It must be a trigger, but I cannot figure out what happens.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it the thought of you, ‘n/sw’? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That HAS to be it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I just cannot feel close to ANYONE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The minute I do, </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 22pt;">BAM…IT HITS ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>SHOULD I SCREAM OR HIT SOMETHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OR MAYBE I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND TAKE A FEW PILLS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That usually does the trick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Honestly, I am hoping I can write my way out of this alien invasion of my brain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is what it feels like…the little space men have taken over my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They are sucking up my brain waves and all that is left is my uncontrollable rage.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">I am sitting here looking at this ass wipe computer screen.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My leg is shaking up and down, ninety miles an hour.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel like I am going to explode into another one million pieces for the billionth time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Really, wtf?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not understand why I can’t get over this fear of attachment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, we have read the books.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yes, we understand why it is here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What difference has it made?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">I guess you want to help me…do you ‘n/sw’?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>See, I don’t even know if I believe that, right at this moment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You probably hate my guts.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You probably regret the day you took over my therapy from that loser asshole I had before you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That wimpy little prick that screwed me over.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Twenty damn years with him…for what?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just to let him hurt us like everyone else in our f**king life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The last five years with him were nothing but a joke.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He proclaimed how much he wanted to repair the therapeutic relationship and he still wanted to be our therapist.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was just empty words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>LIE AFTER LIE AFTER F**KING LIE.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WHY?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How could he do this to us?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then when we would mention that he was not the same or that he had totally changed the way he treated us, or it seemed like he did not want to be our therapist any more, he would just say that it would be better this time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would tell us we were paranoid.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He would tell us we felt this way because of our past experiences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>HE WAS A BALL-LESS UNICH.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>OH, EXCUSE ME!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is redundant.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 22pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">And then the woman before him was just as bad.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>She crossed boundaries too and then “the husband” turned her in because we were becoming a little less enmeshed and codependent from him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, he felt threatened.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then we were banned from seeing her.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 20pt;">WTF?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">Maybe we are not supposed to have therapy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe the gods are against us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>All I know is that this sucks big time and I am sick of all the bull shit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
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<div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman","serif"; font-size: 14pt;">You know, you could have at least texted ‘A<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ie’ back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Maybe if you would have done that we would not be so f**king angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, you did say that sometimes you do things to keep your clients ‘off guard’, to keep them from putting you on a pedestal.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, that is all fine and dandy.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, it sure as hell is not helping us right now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgef2DaDuuw4JQIv6x71rBJ2p9OgLcng0UDsvtvbHAdx5urVzAgUpYXFgn4NtKzWXvAZoG228JdWN_cshzOe29LPhSXQyMwtupZRQozXAjDFqhRgfR88uIcZLs-JJiHEg4_C41y_v-Adac/s1600/MC900445014.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgef2DaDuuw4JQIv6x71rBJ2p9OgLcng0UDsvtvbHAdx5urVzAgUpYXFgn4NtKzWXvAZoG228JdWN_cshzOe29LPhSXQyMwtupZRQozXAjDFqhRgfR88uIcZLs-JJiHEg4_C41y_v-Adac/s640/MC900445014.JPG" width="494" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Algerian; font-size: 36pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">GO TO HELL.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Algerian; font-size: 36pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">yOU ARE NO DIFFERENT </span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Algerian; font-size: 36pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;">THAN THE REST.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-19389135669888328402011-06-01T20:17:00.000-05:002011-06-01T20:17:31.924-05:00The MadHatter…Hats off to YOU, ‘N/SW’!!!<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjriV-TyM4xyJahGUhS-m613f02mk2AYrO-Hw8PfmpDV_c25dFKdiIqiyxAPvLFGtUWXigB3zDSmJGQhurl-xk_5os0LH4ut4x9n6ztf5Rod9ZBuGiWtzHth73aQ6B1u8x8iZq4lRNpwbQ/s1600/johnny_depp_in_alice_in_wonderland_wallpaper_1_800.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjriV-TyM4xyJahGUhS-m613f02mk2AYrO-Hw8PfmpDV_c25dFKdiIqiyxAPvLFGtUWXigB3zDSmJGQhurl-xk_5os0LH4ut4x9n6ztf5Rod9ZBuGiWtzHth73aQ6B1u8x8iZq4lRNpwbQ/s400/johnny_depp_in_alice_in_wonderland_wallpaper_1_800.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU DID THIS...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br />
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Aharoni;">OKAY…I just do not understand.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What the other T could not do in 20 years, you seem to have done in…how many months has it been since we started seeing you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am not even sure.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would have to find a receipt or a calendar to look it up.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were going to be insignificant in my eyes, so I was not paying attention. <o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;">By NO MEANS</span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> am I saying that you have totally gained our trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I will admit there are many who have begun to trust you and your opinions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What is it about you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Are you a hypnotist?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not think you are; you never talk about hypnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am puzzled.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, being puzzled will keep me on the skeptical side.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I like to figure people out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, maybe because you seem so honest, forthright and open, there is nothing to figure out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is there really hope?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you honestly think we can thrive instead of survive?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Either we are totally duped or you are just a very good T.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So anyway, I just wanted to say:<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgofNXZW9fB_DoB4SqRFfnhcZw9x6XklcdDrMOo7WbB_eF2_fWw8OrQaVEJSJxQ_P7Rq_LbXH0Ah1OsTdWucVQJPSrFz84Z4_r9tLpBcFNqNrbkowb9P-LqksHdBezGiaClt5EL3p0RMVo/s1600/hats-off-to-you-12081149401.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgofNXZW9fB_DoB4SqRFfnhcZw9x6XklcdDrMOo7WbB_eF2_fWw8OrQaVEJSJxQ_P7Rq_LbXH0Ah1OsTdWucVQJPSrFz84Z4_r9tLpBcFNqNrbkowb9P-LqksHdBezGiaClt5EL3p0RMVo/s320/hats-off-to-you-12081149401.gif" width="290" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;"><span style="font-size: large;">This could all change in a matter of minutes!!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: large;"> </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Algerian;"><span style="font-size: large;">As you well know!!!<o:p></o:p></span></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"> </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"> </div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-53631212255268253932011-05-27T09:57:00.000-05:002011-05-27T09:57:53.803-05:00Enya & Enigma Delerium<iframe allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="344" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/EWQKkd8IEVc?fs=1" width="425"></iframe>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-90468673020178301622011-05-26T14:17:00.000-05:002011-05-26T14:17:58.408-05:00MY BODY FEELS LIKE RAW EMOTIONS<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIgTsPEFSCn3kl1xHONFjHiFEtHGXdkl8TNi7z59Qgy_gUPiGKgxlum9MByDtUftXfd_emc89s47oHBX48-Dkh6_VN4pQhjqMG6h88l1Lr0323sctEkrHNWaspY6H-6Gur2G7eff7Wjjg/s1600/l_d7af9a77f745ec500d6f780437482827.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIgTsPEFSCn3kl1xHONFjHiFEtHGXdkl8TNi7z59Qgy_gUPiGKgxlum9MByDtUftXfd_emc89s47oHBX48-Dkh6_VN4pQhjqMG6h88l1Lr0323sctEkrHNWaspY6H-6Gur2G7eff7Wjjg/s320/l_d7af9a77f745ec500d6f780437482827.jpg" t8="true" width="270" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I do not know how to make this stop.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel sick.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I feel every nerve in my body is activated…is reacting to what is hidden inside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The secrets are bursting at the seams.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Can’t you help me ‘N/SW’?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you cannot unless I let you know what is happening.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, I would rather you read my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would rather you just know without me having to say the words.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Don’t ask me to stay alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am in too much pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want you to help, but I cannot reach out because of the fear that paralyzes my body; the fear which keeps me drowning in the Crimson Red flowing so freely from my body, from my soul.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">I am sorry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Truly, I am.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I do not deserve anyone like you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1VZ2KJm_BH0J_g22r9McVH06dypvE_s2grGSMTBRM7slDxeEvAqTUspBaPoJF-xcNvte9FXZpI9tbjSNdsDo8fRmP_SHVmiJ-t6J9ag6dfryC3LudK4rQ0nz80MKzMjDdB1CvsDNxC9Q/s1600/38d2d0e4fae9ut9me9.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="318" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1VZ2KJm_BH0J_g22r9McVH06dypvE_s2grGSMTBRM7slDxeEvAqTUspBaPoJF-xcNvte9FXZpI9tbjSNdsDo8fRmP_SHVmiJ-t6J9ag6dfryC3LudK4rQ0nz80MKzMjDdB1CvsDNxC9Q/s320/38d2d0e4fae9ut9me9.jpg" t8="true" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">FREEDOM</td></tr>
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</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-2464328446064151152011-05-25T06:59:00.000-05:002011-05-25T06:59:55.273-05:00You Will Not Make Me Speak…<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQK61UDvAmdrs3axM1ocOklRycHNDAqKTJPmuz1m0UmAjMkX8LvTtoVe1IiU8WXk6Kh5C44Dl_qny1WsJDq-SzZkSpkfvi_E0Vwo8dvu9yb0qhOzMdNaZEv2PqLuAfS6bpj-bnAJpMZo/s1600/Child_abuse_by_sarcastic_bastard.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgwQK61UDvAmdrs3axM1ocOklRycHNDAqKTJPmuz1m0UmAjMkX8LvTtoVe1IiU8WXk6Kh5C44Dl_qny1WsJDq-SzZkSpkfvi_E0Vwo8dvu9yb0qhOzMdNaZEv2PqLuAfS6bpj-bnAJpMZo/s400/Child_abuse_by_sarcastic_bastard.jpg" t8="true" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">THIS IS WHAT I WAS TOLD. THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Even if I believed you wanted to hear about the pain I endured, I cannot tell you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The words will not come out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They would contaminate you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You would hate me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Were you angry with me?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yesterday, when you walked into the room, I could see it in your face.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I could see it in your eyes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You were so angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Was it something we did?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It hurt to see you that way ‘N/SW’.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That is the reason we had to run out of group and hide in the bathroom.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It scared us to see you that way.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Angry people scare us.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And so we run and hide, because that is about the only way we have learned to deal with anger.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We either run and hide or WE BECOME ANGRY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ANGRY IS BAD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good girls are not supposed to get angry.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good girls just do what they are told and do not speak about it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is what I was taught.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is hard to think otherwise.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If I tell anyone, someone or something is going to get hurt or killed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These were the words they used to control me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are the word I hear when I want to talk to you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You have to help me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">We are sinking fast.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We are starting to drown.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It won’t be long now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will be lost forever.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I keep floating farther from the shore and the waves are churning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I cannot find anything on which to cling.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You keep saying you are not leaving, you are not going away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, then you are leaving.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You are going away again for two weeks.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know you have your own life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">THIS IS WHY I HATE THERAPY.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I CANNOT DO THIS.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND WE GOT HURT AGAIN, IT FELT THE SAME AS THE PAST.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>ALL PAIN FEELS THE SAME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>THERE ARE NO DEGREES.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>DO NOT SUCK ME INTO YOUR HEAD GAMES.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>BECAUSE, IN THE END, YOU WILL THROW ME OUT WITH THE DIRT, THE DUST, THE GRIME…THAT IS ALL I AM.</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-34216657640844593372011-05-16T22:56:00.000-05:002011-05-16T22:56:34.805-05:00The Road Less Traveled…Trust in Therapy.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL0Fw0cYruLL18fZnV6R-UG6oHa_zLsFVZNNsRHylj_hWCL_3nQ6IMJ3fS874iwNsxsTW0St34den5IaIXYYdLRcFJsCYi9K_FDxYrDSAnzKzUeBLgHGBVf9JUGrO5omIsIi1sXUPsXgk/s1600/barbed.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="232" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiL0Fw0cYruLL18fZnV6R-UG6oHa_zLsFVZNNsRHylj_hWCL_3nQ6IMJ3fS874iwNsxsTW0St34den5IaIXYYdLRcFJsCYi9K_FDxYrDSAnzKzUeBLgHGBVf9JUGrO5omIsIi1sXUPsXgk/s400/barbed.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">YOU WANT ME TO WALK DOWN YOUR ROAD...This is what it looks like to me...</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div align="left" class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">So yes I am terrified to take the first step.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Wouldn’t you be afraid if this is what you saw in front of you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Wouldn’t your first instinct be to run in the other direction?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">If I lose my balance are you going to be able to catch me?</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How will you make the bleeding stop while I am traveling down this path with you?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because I know for certain this will be a path filled with pain and anguish.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to know you will not abandon me in the same way others before you abandoned me.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Just the thought of caring for anyone hurts me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just the thought of you being close causes so much pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>How can I survive in agony?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pain makes me cut.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Pain makes me destructive.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">What do you want me to do?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want me to trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You want me to learn to be nurtured.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You say people in my past never nurtured me, so I do not know how to accept nurturing from others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The nurturing I did receive was something totally different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You call it abuse.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But all those years I thought it was love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that was how people loved each other.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I thought that is what it meant to be a ‘good’ girl.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So, therefore, my idea of nurturing is way off base.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My idea of nurturing comes from perversions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">LOVE = PAIN = LOVE = ABUSE = LOVE = SEX = LOVE = TORTURE = LOVE = BLOOD</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">All I can say to you is NOTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NOTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NOTHING.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>NOTHING.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But, I really want to say:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>help me, don’t leave me here alone, I need you, please do not go away, be with me in this sorrow called my life, take the little one’s hand, hold her through the pain, help me find freedom from the prison in which I reside.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">But the words do not make a sound.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I am with you I am silent.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you reach out I withdraw.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you touch I cringe.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 16pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Teach me to speak.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to find my voice.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teach me to reach back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Teach me that I am worthy of touch.</span></span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: "Calibri", "sans-serif"; font-size: 16pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: minor-latin;">Just, teach me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-85108302389007493172011-05-10T00:36:00.000-05:002011-05-10T00:36:49.426-05:00MOTHER’S DAY, SMOTHERS DAY<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguxYPxoX-t5qo_RHmT_6fNYqrC6qMjaKfo0HCzbGqA6CJ-5IjHN4RiKxeQFa9CLmhBCNjYOQ1N3-NM4bVo9j1Ij7jS3iDN-nZ6RYh2VFEpXDq42I_j3i0Sq4jShp4RQc1bckFC6CfPVQU/s1600/hurt++japanese-buddhism+com+karma.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEguxYPxoX-t5qo_RHmT_6fNYqrC6qMjaKfo0HCzbGqA6CJ-5IjHN4RiKxeQFa9CLmhBCNjYOQ1N3-NM4bVo9j1Ij7jS3iDN-nZ6RYh2VFEpXDq42I_j3i0Sq4jShp4RQc1bckFC6CfPVQU/s320/hurt++japanese-buddhism+com+karma.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Why did you hurt me? WHY?</td></tr>
</tbody></table> <div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">Yes, that is correct.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You read it correctly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Good for you.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>So can you relate?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do you know how it feels to have your own mother try to suffocate you with a pillow?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you do, then you understand the pain I feel, the emptiness I feel, the longing for a Mother’s love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It never goes away…that dream of feeling a gentle touch, a caring touch, a touch that does not cause pain. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I would give anything to be able to go back and make it all different.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But, instead I will continue to bleed for you Mother Dear.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will continue to suffer at your hands.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I will honor and obey you in spite of your evil.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Why can’t you just leave me alone and get out of my head.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Go away.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Leave me alone.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be free.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I want to be liberated from your prison.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Haven’t you kept me in your shackles long enough?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When will you ever be satisfied?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know…when I finally sacrifice my life for you…but, haven’t I already done that?</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;">PHOTO FROM:</span></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 10pt;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", "serif"; font-size: 14pt; line-height: 115%;"><span style="font-size: small;">hurt japanese-buddhism com karma</span></span></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-20734944445832000072011-05-06T20:29:00.000-05:002011-05-06T20:29:38.005-05:00TO BLEED OR NOT TO BLEED...THAT IS THE QUESTION.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKk07mfjs4TgW11VbBSIrfknGy3JSgeAABQrwkJDas80S0ogPM7hbjkt4IpRoqZNfuek71nItsqDpvaweyt_A1lb8Njp30Z3pcBKmN9lp4CsnSTMNSq24D8wROSUto7lrlGyBFnnQoRQk/s1600/Ayame+nothingnin.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgKk07mfjs4TgW11VbBSIrfknGy3JSgeAABQrwkJDas80S0ogPM7hbjkt4IpRoqZNfuek71nItsqDpvaweyt_A1lb8Njp30Z3pcBKmN9lp4CsnSTMNSq24D8wROSUto7lrlGyBFnnQoRQk/s640/Ayame+nothingnin.jpg" width="428" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Photo by ayame nothingnin</td></tr>
</tbody></table><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><span style="font-family: "Cambria", "serif"; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;"><h2 style="margin: 10pt 0in 0pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #4f81bd;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">YOU CAN NEVER STOP ME</span></span></h2></span><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: "Cambria", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">I bleed to stop the pain.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bleed to feel relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I bleed to know that I am alive.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nothing you say or do matters to me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the only thing I can do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This is the only thing I ever learned.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> <span style="font-family: "Cambria", "serif"; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 115%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-ascii-theme-font: major-latin; mso-bidi-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-bidi; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin; mso-hansi-theme-font: major-latin;">Some people drink to escape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some people do drugs to escape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I CUT to escape.</span></span></span></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-7864480876540944062011-05-03T21:18:00.000-05:002011-05-03T21:18:55.357-05:00ABUSE and Its Aftermath <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div> <div style="text-align: right;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijgSMM_ulkNIouIvoDn8a_J95T3-Wku8cRMNfb-Ub3cA0TgVB6qmfNEXYCja6_F_tjgYhLPOT-DCnXneU_gik65OGU2hwtIkY7ng-m8cJB9vnNb0RNUyBzR_Qz4GjlWrFTh9vQflnKSrs/s1600/205598_1777846325044_1205952048_31725166_6945672_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="265" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEijgSMM_ulkNIouIvoDn8a_J95T3-Wku8cRMNfb-Ub3cA0TgVB6qmfNEXYCja6_F_tjgYhLPOT-DCnXneU_gik65OGU2hwtIkY7ng-m8cJB9vnNb0RNUyBzR_Qz4GjlWrFTh9vQflnKSrs/s400/205598_1777846325044_1205952048_31725166_6945672_n.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The many deaths of abuse.<br />
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<div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Seeds of death are swelling inside</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Like the carcass of an animal</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Left in the desert, tainted and rotting,</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">On the verge of exploding.</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">As destiny has willed,</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Violently it bursts,</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To be savagely preyed upon by unearthly scavengers.</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">They feast upon the flesh and blood;</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And when finally glutted, </span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Move on, waiting surreptitiously for</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-size: 14pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">The next victim of their ungodly world.</span></span></div><div align="center" class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
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</div><div align="center"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQQTRuMEgRQQ_zaRO2_YzUtb2sqnZIHXIn0ZvmF2s6G9BbF5f15pOzcsIX0s0eoOaqEl03K9F0Yg1Mp0PTeaOS-Qcr7dHzzt9KimFmM3ptXpQmE2uqET7v5FEFfMPHsakr_aZuj07CX9A/s1600/kenya-the-great-drought+website+infiniteunknown.+net.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="218" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiQQTRuMEgRQQ_zaRO2_YzUtb2sqnZIHXIn0ZvmF2s6G9BbF5f15pOzcsIX0s0eoOaqEl03K9F0Yg1Mp0PTeaOS-Qcr7dHzzt9KimFmM3ptXpQmE2uqET7v5FEFfMPHsakr_aZuj07CX9A/s320/kenya-the-great-drought+website+infiniteunknown.+net.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Picture from web infiniteunknown.net<br />
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<div class="separator" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; clear: both; text-align: center;"></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-29423125346871225132011-04-29T10:57:00.000-05:002011-04-29T10:57:19.482-05:00THE MASK...If we take away the mask, is this what we will find?<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrrdTPm8wbfQaeCCRwIcAyfYfLGJ6oGAZr80fbRQonQ9uinSA-DLlvi9WHdTsp2-BiHlrybvcxL5PRXuN3v-UYAAmZRPBlFwmIuzqkI2cUMerX4Y8sB3nNIlXI26z67940Tvq_8jDYQlU/s1600/306px-ROM-CorinthianHelmetAndSkull-BattleOfMarathon+Keith+Schengili+Roberts.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="640" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrrdTPm8wbfQaeCCRwIcAyfYfLGJ6oGAZr80fbRQonQ9uinSA-DLlvi9WHdTsp2-BiHlrybvcxL5PRXuN3v-UYAAmZRPBlFwmIuzqkI2cUMerX4Y8sB3nNIlXI26z67940Tvq_8jDYQlU/s640/306px-ROM-CorinthianHelmetAndSkull-BattleOfMarathon+Keith+Schengili+Roberts.png" width="324" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Picture copyright: Keith Schengili-Roberts</td></tr>
</tbody></table>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1679998612877456151.post-48751167832696803662011-04-28T13:46:00.000-05:002011-04-28T13:46:56.580-05:00YOUR SHADOW'S SECRETS<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiOYkIp6ADFs0oByPTL-IzRn9qYN-x_W03W8M9mTmfcgXG8oVm0NqPJyEcPRyK2FOaAGAY2DTr9mjIY1Mcs2e7PsoHl3nRTc4Zo7zZwv6OkrFbnMofdUen5iuGvuXdvjOXnFXwftoMf0g/s1600/MP900302922.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="142" j8="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhiOYkIp6ADFs0oByPTL-IzRn9qYN-x_W03W8M9mTmfcgXG8oVm0NqPJyEcPRyK2FOaAGAY2DTr9mjIY1Mcs2e7PsoHl3nRTc4Zo7zZwv6OkrFbnMofdUen5iuGvuXdvjOXnFXwftoMf0g/s200/MP900302922.JPG" width="200" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.<br />
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</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Swallow the bloody secrets</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">seeping from the corners of your mouth.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Keep them down.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Do not utter a sound.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Body trembling something awful,</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">It is getting impossible to bear,</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Sitting all alone with your shadow</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Clinging to the only thing you know.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How long have you been there?</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Crying every time you turn around?</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You cannot even pick your head up off the ground.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You utter not a sound.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">No one speaks your language,</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">And fire has burned the bridge</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">from where you live, in the bottom of a well.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You think if you forget you will never have to tell.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">You cannot bear to walk outside the door,</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Or look into the mirror any more.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">Memories crawl all around inside your clothes.</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">How long will you remain in your darkness—who the hell knows?</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">To 'A. ie'</span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">DEV </span></div><div class="MsoNoSpacing" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;"><span style="font-family: Calibri;">6-17-1996</span></div>Devhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11398424923235776550noreply@blogger.com0