Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP

I think someone from my past must have put a curse on me.  It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gets much better.  I try to take all the advice from my teacher.  We have started djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.  I am not saying drumming does not help.  It is awesome.  It is very relaxing.  We are starting Tai Chi.  We go to group.  We try not to miss any sessions or group. 

I guess all of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.  Everyone makes it seem so easy.  Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this instead of that.  Fuck I hate that word.  Choose my ass.  We can’t even make a simple decision like where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.

I just feel trapped.  I am trapped in a situation I don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.  Trapped is a trigger.  I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.

How do I get rid of the triggers?  I have worked on my abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.  I give up.  I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.  I feel like I will never be connected to anyone.  I know we are all connected.  But what does that feel like?

What does it feel like to have a soul connection to another human? 

IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

'N/SW',

Why do we always have to argue about who will see you?  It is so unfair.  There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say.  There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel.  Why I am feeling all of these emotions?  Where are they coming from?  I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil.  And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. 

AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE.  I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME.  I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I FEEL MESSED UP.  I AM MESSED UP.  THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.  YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP. 

I KNOW YOU HATE ME.  I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.  WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?  IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?  I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.  AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.  IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE. 

I HATE YOU.  I HATE THERAPY.  I HATE LIFE.  I HATE EVERYTHING.  FUCK THE WORLD. 

SIMF.

DEV

OUT OF CONTROL



HERE I AM!!!!

The old two for one…I strike when you least expect it and I am violently whirling out of control.

Yep, a freak of f**king nature...THAT WOULD BE ME.

I knew it would not last.  It never does and I should NEVER expect that it would.

I don’t even know why I feel so angry.  It just creeps up on me like a slithering snake.  It must be a trigger, but I cannot figure out what happens.  Is it the thought of you, ‘n/sw’?  That HAS to be it.  I just cannot feel close to ANYONE.  The minute I do, BAM…IT HITS ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  SHOULD I SCREAM OR HIT SOMETHING.  OR MAYBE I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND TAKE A FEW PILLS.  That usually does the trick. 

Honestly, I am hoping I can write my way out of this alien invasion of my brain.  That is what it feels like…the little space men have taken over my mind.  They are sucking up my brain waves and all that is left is my uncontrollable rage.

I am sitting here looking at this ass wipe computer screen.  My leg is shaking up and down, ninety miles an hour.  I feel like I am going to explode into another one million pieces for the billionth time.  Really, wtf?  I do not understand why I can’t get over this fear of attachment.  Yes, we have read the books.  Yes, we understand why it is here.  What difference has it made? 

I guess you want to help me…do you ‘n/sw’?  See, I don’t even know if I believe that, right at this moment.  You probably hate my guts.  You probably regret the day you took over my therapy from that loser asshole I had before you.  That wimpy little prick that screwed me over.  Twenty damn years with him…for what?  Just to let him hurt us like everyone else in our f**king life.  The last five years with him were nothing but a joke.  He proclaimed how much he wanted to repair the therapeutic relationship and he still wanted to be our therapist.  It was just empty words.  LIE AFTER LIE AFTER F**KING LIE.  WHY?  How could he do this to us?  Then when we would mention that he was not the same or that he had totally changed the way he treated us, or it seemed like he did not want to be our therapist any more, he would just say that it would be better this time.  He would tell us we were paranoid.  He would tell us we felt this way because of our past experiences.  HE WAS A BALL-LESS UNICH.  OH, EXCUSE ME!  That is redundant.   

And then the woman before him was just as bad.  She crossed boundaries too and then “the husband” turned her in because we were becoming a little less enmeshed and codependent from him.  So, he felt threatened.  Then we were banned from seeing her.  WTF?  Maybe we are not supposed to have therapy.  Maybe the gods are against us.  All I know is that this sucks big time and I am sick of all the bull shit. 

You know, you could have at least texted ‘A  ie’ back.  Maybe if you would have done that we would not be so f**king angry.  But, you did say that sometimes you do things to keep your clients ‘off guard’, to keep them from putting you on a pedestal.  Well, that is all fine and dandy.  But, it sure as hell is not helping us right now. 

GO TO HELL.

yOU ARE NO DIFFERENT

THAN THE REST.