Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP

I think someone from my past must have put a curse on me.  It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gets much better.  I try to take all the advice from my teacher.  We have started djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.  I am not saying drumming does not help.  It is awesome.  It is very relaxing.  We are starting Tai Chi.  We go to group.  We try not to miss any sessions or group. 

I guess all of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.  Everyone makes it seem so easy.  Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this instead of that.  Fuck I hate that word.  Choose my ass.  We can’t even make a simple decision like where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.

I just feel trapped.  I am trapped in a situation I don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.  Trapped is a trigger.  I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.

How do I get rid of the triggers?  I have worked on my abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.  I give up.  I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.  I feel like I will never be connected to anyone.  I know we are all connected.  But what does that feel like?

What does it feel like to have a soul connection to another human? 

SO WHAT, WE FORGOT TO EAT...

Okay so I got all involved with making pictures and I forgot to eat.  Why is this such a big deal?  It is not the first time and it probably will not be the last.  I just like doing those pictures.  I wanted to show them to you Wednesday when we saw you but fml1 was with you.

He is coming home tonight.  Crap.  EF EF EF EF EF EF EF….

‘N/SW’, I really need to see you next week.  What I mean is I need to be ‘out’ when we are there…I feel like I am going to lose it big time.  I hate feeling so weak.  It scares me.  I get this feeling of doom like something horrible is going to happen and I won’t be able to stop it.  I thought about calling you today...but you know that is not going to happen. 

I just feel like a royal pain in the ass.  I don’t want to be this needy, clingy little brat bothering you all the time.  I know you have your own life.  But right now we don’t have much a life except for you and group.  And I don’t feel like I can call them.  I know---that is not your problem.

I was always angry with the other T.  Now, with you, I feel sad.  Is that better?  It does not feel better.  But, at least I have not done anything to hurt the body.

We all have so much to tell you and there just is not enough time for all of us to ‘come out’ in our session and talk.  Did you like the box?  You probably think it looks stupid.  But, we do work well together when we put our minds to it.  Our room is turning out to be a group project too.  I am so glad we have it.  This has to be one of the best ideas you have come up with so far.  It is starting to feel safe.  It is starting to feel like ours.  Now if we could just get a lock on the door to keep HIM out.  That is going to be a monumental task for us because we are all afraid of his anger. 

Oh well, I guess I better start locking up the filing cabinet and the trunk before he gets here. 

Thank you for all you do for us.  I never thought I would be able to connect to you after what the last T did to us.  But, I do believe we are all starting to trust you…..even fml3.  He reminds me of the way I used to be.  I pity you!!!

Dev J

DEPRESSION, SADNESS, FEAR, ANGER, HATE, LOVE

"N/SW"

We are so depressed.  No one has the courage to leave him in the den and come up to our room where we feel safe...where we can write or I can make pictures.  I am so sick of watching TV.  It is boring.  It makes me want to eat.  How are we going to get through the next week with him here and you gone.  I could scream.  It feels impossible.  SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS IMPOSSIBLE. 

The 'cook' cooked today.  But other than that we have hardly done anything.  We got up at 5:00am and that is way too long to be up.  Maybe we should just go to bed and read.  This has become the blog for others to post their feelings because other blogs can no longer be used.  'R' is totally pissed off. 

Oh well, I guess I will go.   You won't see this anyway...I am not going to write it in our journal.  When you finally return, there is no need to overwhelm you with pages and pages of bull shit.  I know a lot of us miss you and hope you are okay. 

DEV

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?



Copyright: Adam Scott Miller, Path with Heart

Yes, I know the answer to the question.  I just hate it when you go away, "N/SW".  It really frightens me.  I feel small.  I feel lost.  But, I DO NOT FEEL ANGRY.  Now that is a change for me.  I think I would rather be angry than feel this emptiness inside.   I am not used to this feeling.  It is new to me.  You are the one that has helped me find this 'un-angry Dev'.  But I am not sure I like him/me.  I do not like the pain it creates, the sadness, the fear.  I am supposed to be FEARLESS.  That is my role.  To be and do the ugly, the vile, the sick, the evil, and all those things they made me do.  You say I did not choose to be his son, that I do NOT HAVE TO BE HIS SON.  But, he is my father.  HE CHOSE ME.  Do you want me to die "N/SW"?  If I deny him I will die.  I will never be safe again.  No one will be safe again. 

I cannot write anymore or I will need to do something to stop the pain and I don't want to do anything BAD.  I am sick of being BAD.  Okay?

Dev



IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

'N/SW',

Why do we always have to argue about who will see you?  It is so unfair.  There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say.  There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel.  Why I am feeling all of these emotions?  Where are they coming from?  I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil.  And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. 

AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE.  I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME.  I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I FEEL MESSED UP.  I AM MESSED UP.  THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.  YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP. 

I KNOW YOU HATE ME.  I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.  WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?  IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?  I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.  AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.  IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE. 

I HATE YOU.  I HATE THERAPY.  I HATE LIFE.  I HATE EVERYTHING.  FUCK THE WORLD. 

SIMF.

DEV

THE LIST

IS THE SHELL BEGINNING TO CRACK?

TO ‘N/SW’,

ON MY WAY HOME, AFTER OUR SESSION, I WAS THINKING, “WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TO COME OUT AND TALK TO YOU?” (THAT WAS YOUR QUESTION).  I THINK IT IS MORE THAN “BARBIE BAD ASS”!! LOL

I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A LIST SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY?  BECAUSE—IT FUCKING BLOWS MY MIND THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.  TODAY IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SAID ALOUD THOSE “WORDS”.  YOU KNOW, THE ONES ABOUT ‘TINY’  AND THE CATS.  I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS HERE DUDE.  THAT WAS THE FIRST FUCKING TIME EVER.   AND THE THING ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THE KNIFE, TOO.   SO HERE GOES.

THE LIST

1.      YOU SEEM PRESENT IN THE ROOM, UNLIKE THE PREVIOUS THERAPIST.

2.      YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A COLD FISH.

3.      YOU TALK TO ME.

4.      IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FAKE.

5.      YOU ARE VERY SMART.  i.e., YOU DON’T DO STUPID!  LOL

6.      I FEEL LIKE YOU ‘GET IT’. i.e., LIKE THE CUTTING AND WHY I DO IT.

7.      YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHO I AM AND WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. (FUCK THAT SENTENCE SOUNDS STUPID. i yam what i yam what i yam!!)

8.      YOU SEEM ACCEPTING OF ME AND ALLOW ME TO BE MYSELF, AS UGLY AS THAT MIGHT BE.

9.      YOU SEEM GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ‘JUST A HUMAN BEING’ WITH YOUR OWN FLAWS.

10.   YOU CAN ADMIT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AND SHARE THE WORK YOU HAVE DONE.

11.   YOU ARE NOT AFRAID TO SHOW ANGER AT INJUSTICES.

12.   YOU CAN SEEM VULNERABLE. (I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY).

13.   YOU LISTEN.

OKAY.  I GUESS I WILL STOP ON LUCKY 13.  I SHOULD ADD TWO MORE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MY AGE!!  BUT I AM SUDDENLY FEELING VERY TIRED.  SO I NEED TO GO BACK IN AND LET SOMEONE ELSE COME TO THE FRONT.



Picture by Amanda Richards on Flickr.  No copyright infringement intended.

The MadHatter…Hats off to YOU, ‘N/SW’!!!

I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU DID THIS...

OKAY…I just do not understand.  What the other T could not do in 20 years, you seem to have done in…how many months has it been since we started seeing you?  I am not even sure.  I would have to find a receipt or a calendar to look it up.  You were going to be insignificant in my eyes, so I was not paying attention.

By NO MEANS am I saying that you have totally gained our trust.  But, I will admit there are many who have begun to trust you and your opinions.  What is it about you?  Are you a hypnotist?  I do not think you are; you never talk about hypnosis.  I am puzzled.  So, being puzzled will keep me on the skeptical side.  I like to figure people out.  But, maybe because you seem so honest, forthright and open, there is nothing to figure out.  Is there really hope?  Do you honestly think we can thrive instead of survive?  Either we are totally duped or you are just a very good T.  So anyway, I just wanted to say:

This could all change in a matter of minutes!!!

As you well know!!!



The Road Less Traveled…Trust in Therapy.

YOU WANT ME TO WALK DOWN YOUR ROAD...This is what it looks like to me...



So yes I am terrified to take the first step.

Wouldn’t you be afraid if this is what you saw in front of you?  Wouldn’t your first instinct be to run in the other direction? 

If I lose my balance are you going to be able to catch me?

How will you make the bleeding stop while I am traveling down this path with you?  Because I know for certain this will be a path filled with pain and anguish.  I need answers.  I need to know you will not abandon me in the same way others before you abandoned me.

Just the thought of caring for anyone hurts me.  Just the thought of you being close causes so much pain.  How can I survive in agony?   Pain makes me cut.  Pain makes me destructive.

What do you want me to do?  You want me to trust.  You want me to learn to be nurtured.  You say people in my past never nurtured me, so I do not know how to accept nurturing from others.  The nurturing I did receive was something totally different.  You call it abuse.  But all those years I thought it was love.  I thought that was how people loved each other.  I thought that is what it meant to be a ‘good’ girl.  So, therefore, my idea of nurturing is way off base.  My idea of nurturing comes from perversions. 

LOVE = PAIN = LOVE = ABUSE = LOVE = SEX = LOVE = TORTURE = LOVE = BLOOD

All I can say to you is NOTHING.   NOTHING.  NOTHING.  NOTHING.

But, I really want to say:  help me, don’t leave me here alone, I need you, please do not go away, be with me in this sorrow called my life, take the little one’s hand, hold her through the pain, help me find freedom from the prison in which I reside. 

But the words do not make a sound.  When I am with you I am silent.  When you reach out I withdraw.  When you touch I cringe. 

Teach me to speak.  I need to find my voice.  Teach me to reach back.  Teach me that I am worthy of touch.

Just, teach me. 

YOUR SHADOW'S SECRETS

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.

Swallow the bloody secrets

seeping from the corners of your mouth.

Keep them down.

Do not utter a sound.

Body trembling something awful,

It is getting impossible to bear,

Sitting all alone with your shadow

Clinging to the only thing you know.

How long have you been there?

Crying every time you turn around?

You cannot even pick your head up off the ground.

You utter not a sound.

No one speaks your language,

And fire has burned the bridge

from where you live, in the bottom of a well.

You think if you forget you will never have to tell.

You cannot bear to walk outside the door,

Or look into the mirror any more.

Memories crawl all around inside your clothes.

How long will you remain in your darkness—who the hell knows?

To 'A.  ie'

DEV

6-17-1996

THE BOX

Today we are decorating a box.  It is a difficult task for us to do.  We all have something we want to put on the box as a decoration.  Probably, it will be cluttered on the outside with our stuff...little souvenirs of things we like.  But, hello...it is our box so who cares?  I hope it is large enough.  We are going to fill this box with our written memories.  We have to write them because we cannot utter the words aloud.  There is a block between our thoughts and our voice.  There are a LOT of memories.   So the inside of the box will be cluttered also.   Eventually, when we are ready, if that day ever comes...we will take the memories and burn or bury them.  I choose burn.  I feel partial to burning.  And since the idea was given to ME, well hell, it wil be "burn baby burn".  Yes, 'N'/'SW' (still cannot decide which to use) suggested this to ME!  Yes me, little piss ant DEV.  The one who believes all she wants to do is play 'head games'.   I don't know.  Am I letting her suck me into her vacuum, only to find out later she had always planned to throw away the bag of dirt that she sucked up in her vacuum?  Is she going to hurt me just like the previous one and the one before that and everyone else in my life.  When she finds out who I am and what I am like, will she hate me?   Will she be frightened by me?  So many questions, they drive me crazy.  But, really, WHAT DO I HAVE TO LOSE?  Nothing.  Life is so painful and so bad and filled with confusion.  How can it be worse?  I don't think it could be worse. 


So, the next time I see her I am going to ask if she will keep the box in her office.  There is no place safe here for us to keep it.  I want to make a small shrine in her office.  From the Latin etymology shrine is scrinium (case, chest).  That is what this will be...a chest of relics (NOT SAINTLY), but it will be a remembrance of days gone by.  But, they really have not gone by...because they are re-lived in our mind
just as if they are happening again.  It is called PTSD.  It is called D.I.D.  It is called ab reaction.  It is called HELL.   And I think she might really believe us.  I think she might really know how to help us help ourselves.  Or at least, I think she is willing to try. 


I cannot think any more.  I am weary.  I wish I could call her.

Human Angels

Okay maybe I was wrong about you 'N' or 'SW', I need to decide which 'initial' you will be.  If you really do not play 'head games', then I might have a chance with you.  I think I can take a risk with you.  At least, I will try.  U R kewel.
DEV