Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP

I think someone from my past must have put a curse on me.  It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gets much better.  I try to take all the advice from my teacher.  We have started djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.  I am not saying drumming does not help.  It is awesome.  It is very relaxing.  We are starting Tai Chi.  We go to group.  We try not to miss any sessions or group. 

I guess all of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.  Everyone makes it seem so easy.  Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this instead of that.  Fuck I hate that word.  Choose my ass.  We can’t even make a simple decision like where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.

I just feel trapped.  I am trapped in a situation I don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.  Trapped is a trigger.  I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.

How do I get rid of the triggers?  I have worked on my abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.  I give up.  I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.  I feel like I will never be connected to anyone.  I know we are all connected.  But what does that feel like?

What does it feel like to have a soul connection to another human? 

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?



Copyright: Adam Scott Miller, Path with Heart

Yes, I know the answer to the question.  I just hate it when you go away, "N/SW".  It really frightens me.  I feel small.  I feel lost.  But, I DO NOT FEEL ANGRY.  Now that is a change for me.  I think I would rather be angry than feel this emptiness inside.   I am not used to this feeling.  It is new to me.  You are the one that has helped me find this 'un-angry Dev'.  But I am not sure I like him/me.  I do not like the pain it creates, the sadness, the fear.  I am supposed to be FEARLESS.  That is my role.  To be and do the ugly, the vile, the sick, the evil, and all those things they made me do.  You say I did not choose to be his son, that I do NOT HAVE TO BE HIS SON.  But, he is my father.  HE CHOSE ME.  Do you want me to die "N/SW"?  If I deny him I will die.  I will never be safe again.  No one will be safe again. 

I cannot write anymore or I will need to do something to stop the pain and I don't want to do anything BAD.  I am sick of being BAD.  Okay?

Dev



You Will Not Make Me Speak…

THIS IS WHAT I WAS TOLD.  THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.

Even if I believed you wanted to hear about the pain I endured, I cannot tell you.  The words will not come out.  They would contaminate you.  You would hate me. 

Were you angry with me?  Yesterday, when you walked into the room, I could see it in your face.  I could see it in your eyes.  You were so angry.  Was it something we did?  It hurt to see you that way ‘N/SW’.  That is the reason we had to run out of group and hide in the bathroom.  It scared us to see you that way.  Angry people scare us.  And so we run and hide, because that is about the only way we have learned to deal with anger.  We either run and hide or WE BECOME ANGRY.  ANGRY IS BAD.  Good girls are not supposed to get angry.  Good girls just do what they are told and do not speak about it.  This is what I was taught.  It is hard to think otherwise.  If I tell anyone, someone or something is going to get hurt or killed.  These were the words they used to control me.  These are the word I hear when I want to talk to you.  You have to help me. 

We are sinking fast.  We are starting to drown.  It won’t be long now.  I will be lost forever.  I keep floating farther from the shore and the waves are churning.  I cannot find anything on which to cling.  You keep saying you are not leaving, you are not going away.  But, then you are leaving.  You are going away again for two weeks.  I know you have your own life. 

THIS IS WHY I HATE THERAPY.  I CANNOT DO THIS.  WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND WE GOT HURT AGAIN, IT FELT THE SAME AS THE PAST.  ALL PAIN FEELS THE SAME.  THERE ARE NO DEGREES.  JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME.  DO NOT SUCK ME INTO YOUR HEAD GAMES.  BECAUSE, IN THE END, YOU WILL THROW ME OUT WITH THE DIRT, THE DUST, THE GRIME…THAT IS ALL I AM.