You Will Not Make Me Speak…

THIS IS WHAT I WAS TOLD.  THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.

Even if I believed you wanted to hear about the pain I endured, I cannot tell you.  The words will not come out.  They would contaminate you.  You would hate me. 

Were you angry with me?  Yesterday, when you walked into the room, I could see it in your face.  I could see it in your eyes.  You were so angry.  Was it something we did?  It hurt to see you that way ‘N/SW’.  That is the reason we had to run out of group and hide in the bathroom.  It scared us to see you that way.  Angry people scare us.  And so we run and hide, because that is about the only way we have learned to deal with anger.  We either run and hide or WE BECOME ANGRY.  ANGRY IS BAD.  Good girls are not supposed to get angry.  Good girls just do what they are told and do not speak about it.  This is what I was taught.  It is hard to think otherwise.  If I tell anyone, someone or something is going to get hurt or killed.  These were the words they used to control me.  These are the word I hear when I want to talk to you.  You have to help me. 

We are sinking fast.  We are starting to drown.  It won’t be long now.  I will be lost forever.  I keep floating farther from the shore and the waves are churning.  I cannot find anything on which to cling.  You keep saying you are not leaving, you are not going away.  But, then you are leaving.  You are going away again for two weeks.  I know you have your own life. 

THIS IS WHY I HATE THERAPY.  I CANNOT DO THIS.  WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND WE GOT HURT AGAIN, IT FELT THE SAME AS THE PAST.  ALL PAIN FEELS THE SAME.  THERE ARE NO DEGREES.  JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME.  DO NOT SUCK ME INTO YOUR HEAD GAMES.  BECAUSE, IN THE END, YOU WILL THROW ME OUT WITH THE DIRT, THE DUST, THE GRIME…THAT IS ALL I AM.