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DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

 DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

When you realize your truth are their lies

No longer is there anything to believe.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing left to believe.

Belief is trust.

Trust is a hoax.

Hoax is your life.

Life is void.

Void is dead.

Dead is living in the darkness which permeates the soul.

All is bemused.

Nothing is real.

The mind, brutally severed from life

Is cast adrift into the abyss,

Existing alone

In the prison of its own reality.

DEV

4-22-94

  

Copyright protected.  Please do not copy or reproduce in any way shape or form.

Picture from tumblr_lb4rc9frzX1qbuouio1_500 

IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

'N/SW',

Why do we always have to argue about who will see you?  It is so unfair.  There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say.  There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel.  Why I am feeling all of these emotions?  Where are they coming from?  I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil.  And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. 

AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE.  I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME.  I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I FEEL MESSED UP.  I AM MESSED UP.  THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.  YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP. 

I KNOW YOU HATE ME.  I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.  WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?  IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?  I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.  AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.  IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE. 

I HATE YOU.  I HATE THERAPY.  I HATE LIFE.  I HATE EVERYTHING.  FUCK THE WORLD. 

SIMF.

DEV

OUT OF CONTROL



HERE I AM!!!!

The old two for one…I strike when you least expect it and I am violently whirling out of control.

Yep, a freak of f**king nature...THAT WOULD BE ME.

I knew it would not last.  It never does and I should NEVER expect that it would.

I don’t even know why I feel so angry.  It just creeps up on me like a slithering snake.  It must be a trigger, but I cannot figure out what happens.  Is it the thought of you, ‘n/sw’?  That HAS to be it.  I just cannot feel close to ANYONE.  The minute I do, BAM…IT HITS ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. 

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  SHOULD I SCREAM OR HIT SOMETHING.  OR MAYBE I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND TAKE A FEW PILLS.  That usually does the trick. 

Honestly, I am hoping I can write my way out of this alien invasion of my brain.  That is what it feels like…the little space men have taken over my mind.  They are sucking up my brain waves and all that is left is my uncontrollable rage.

I am sitting here looking at this ass wipe computer screen.  My leg is shaking up and down, ninety miles an hour.  I feel like I am going to explode into another one million pieces for the billionth time.  Really, wtf?  I do not understand why I can’t get over this fear of attachment.  Yes, we have read the books.  Yes, we understand why it is here.  What difference has it made? 

I guess you want to help me…do you ‘n/sw’?  See, I don’t even know if I believe that, right at this moment.  You probably hate my guts.  You probably regret the day you took over my therapy from that loser asshole I had before you.  That wimpy little prick that screwed me over.  Twenty damn years with him…for what?  Just to let him hurt us like everyone else in our f**king life.  The last five years with him were nothing but a joke.  He proclaimed how much he wanted to repair the therapeutic relationship and he still wanted to be our therapist.  It was just empty words.  LIE AFTER LIE AFTER F**KING LIE.  WHY?  How could he do this to us?  Then when we would mention that he was not the same or that he had totally changed the way he treated us, or it seemed like he did not want to be our therapist any more, he would just say that it would be better this time.  He would tell us we were paranoid.  He would tell us we felt this way because of our past experiences.  HE WAS A BALL-LESS UNICH.  OH, EXCUSE ME!  That is redundant.   

And then the woman before him was just as bad.  She crossed boundaries too and then “the husband” turned her in because we were becoming a little less enmeshed and codependent from him.  So, he felt threatened.  Then we were banned from seeing her.  WTF?  Maybe we are not supposed to have therapy.  Maybe the gods are against us.  All I know is that this sucks big time and I am sick of all the bull shit. 

You know, you could have at least texted ‘A  ie’ back.  Maybe if you would have done that we would not be so f**king angry.  But, you did say that sometimes you do things to keep your clients ‘off guard’, to keep them from putting you on a pedestal.  Well, that is all fine and dandy.  But, it sure as hell is not helping us right now. 

GO TO HELL.

yOU ARE NO DIFFERENT

THAN THE REST.

MOTHER’S DAY, SMOTHERS DAY



Why did you hurt me? WHY?



Yes, that is correct.  You read it correctly.  Good for you.  So can you relate?  Do you know how it feels to have your own mother try to suffocate you with a pillow?  If you do, then you understand the pain I feel, the emptiness I feel, the longing for a Mother’s love.  It never goes away…that dream of feeling a gentle touch, a caring touch, a touch that does not cause pain.  I would give anything to be able to go back and make it all different.  But, instead I will continue to bleed for you Mother Dear.  I will continue to suffer at your hands.  I will honor and obey you in spite of your evil.  Why can’t you just leave me alone and get out of my head.  Go away.  Leave me alone.  I want to be free.  I want to be liberated from your prison.  Haven’t you kept me in your shackles long enough?  When will you ever be satisfied?  I know…when I finally sacrifice my life for you…but, haven’t I already done that?

PHOTO FROM:

hurt  japanese-buddhism com karma

TO BLEED OR NOT TO BLEED...THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Photo by ayame nothingnin

YOU CAN NEVER STOP ME

I bleed to stop the pain.  I bleed to feel relief.  I bleed to know that I am alive.  Nothing you say or do matters to me.   This is the only thing I can do.  This is the only thing I ever learned.   Some people drink to escape.  Some people do drugs to escape.  I CUT to escape.

THE WALKING DEAD...BEYOND THE POINT OF NO RETURN

My mind was pushed into a bizarre grotesque world until it became shattered past the point of no return.  There is nothing to define reality or if there is a reality it cannot be alive in my mind.  It has to die.  It has to stay dead.  I am the walking dead.  Is that a movie or something?  The only way to live is to be dead.  I breathe dead air.  I listen to and hear dead voices speaking, dead words coming from dead brains.  Like you for instance...your words are dead.  They are nothing but dead air being verbalized, falling upon the dead ears of the world.  There is no meaning or conviction or emotion.  And that is okay.  I do not need any of that from you.  I do not care if  you are detached and aloof and superficial.  I do not care what you think or what you believe about me.  It does not matter.  Nothing matters when you are dead.  Nothing can hurt you when you are dead.  You are right; I saw things no one should have to see.  I was forced to do things no one should have to do.  Can you see the blood on my hands, my face, my body?  Because...I can.  Crimson Red...always dead, dead, dead.  We bled...Crimson Red.  Now here is where I lay my head.  Here is my bed.

POINT OF NO RETURN

TOO MUCH PAIN WHEN I TRY NOT TO BE ANGRY

I am not made for this.  I was made to be DEV.  That is who I am.  THERE IS NOTHING MORE.  I do not believe you 'N/SW' when you say I have so many things to do as a 15 year old.  That is pure bullshit, since I 'know' that this body is NOT 15...even though I still have trouble comprehending this concept.  I tried to be un-angry DEV and it does not work.  Everything falls apart...Me and everyone in front of me.  LEAVE ME ALONE.  Yes, I know I was the one that went to see you.  So, I happened to be the 'strongest one' that day.  SO FUCKING WHAT!   IT MEANS NOTHING.  YOU MEAN NOTHING.  I MEAN NOTHING.  THE WORLD MEANS NOTHING.  SIMF.  This 'code' and what it represents you will eventually learn.  And you will regret the day when you understand its meaning.  You will realize that I am a vile, ugly reptile.   I am a poisonous amphibian.  I strike.  I am poisonous to the touch.  Do not let looks deceive you.  You may think it looks harmless and the colors attract you...BUT BEWARE.





Purple spotted dart frog...picture from into-the-wild.org





FLOWERS

Reality comes.  Dreams go.
I lie inside myself for days and hours
swallowed up in the sounds of screaming flowers.

"Where did all the flowers go?"---
Flowers of beauty, innocence and love.

Were they drowned in your vat of Crimson Red?
Or smothered in the darkness of your suffocating coffin?
Or hung upside down to be preserved, withering and dying?

Whatever.  Now they are fucking dead,

eternally crumbling into shreds.

Reality comes.  Dreams go.

I lie inside myself for days and hours,

covered with memories of dead flowers;

In touch with only my rampant chaos.

Trapped in the seclusion of the self

with no exit from this violent hell,

no shedding of this vile serpent shell.

Microsoft Clip art

Reality comes.  Dreams go.

I lie inside myself for days and hours,

knowing I am one of your dead flowers.

What sleeps beyond this lonely refuge?

Merely the inescapable nightmare of chaotic strife

and the resulting prison, people call life.

Dare I wake---

So dreams may come and reality may go?

DEV

9/21/2004



PLAYGROUND

The playground is open.

Won't you come and play?

You can be my playmate each and every day.

Will you be like the seesaw?
Up and down.  Up and down.

Or possibly, like the merry - go - round,

Making my mind spin round and round?

Will you be like the monkey bars

And hang me upside down?

Or maybe like the swing

pushing in from high to low?

Take my hand and let us go

to the 'playground', the 'playground'...
filled with my life and all your 'fun'.

The 'place' where I became undone.

DEV

8/26/2004

MEMORIES

Like ghosts don't need a key

                                                         




                                                                                                   You come slithering into me
                                                                                                   My fucking best friend to be.


You arrived when I was very weak
And turned me into a fucking freak,

Afraid to move...Afraid to speak.

Down deep inside you made your nest,                               

And never again will you let me rest.

You just keep pushing my mind to the test.

Here I am.  I'm yours to rent.

Inhabit me until I become totally spent.

There is no fucking need to repent.

You really should stay for more than a day.

You know I will miss you if you go away.

I won't have a fucking chance to play.



Close the blinds and



Bolt the door. 

No need for others anymore.          

We have your pain to make us soar.

Because of you my skin is Crimson Red

And millions of tears are being shed.

But, soon the time will come for me to be dead.

You give me wings to fly up high,

So I can watch from the endless sky

My fucking body preparing to die.     

So, when I am cold and free from harm

Will you cover me to keep me warm

And give me shelter from the fucking storms?

Or will you haunt me while I burn in hell?

Because there you go with that fucking smell,

Burning flesh--don't forget to tell.    

My body spewing Crimson Red.

I can't pick up my fucking head.

Fucking dead.

Fucking dead.

Fucking dead.

                            

DEV
9/1/2004

MY MIND SPEAKS



@Laritha Lee Art on Face Book

MY MIND SPEAKS

Hello.  It's me, your mind.
I am here for you to talk to.

I am here to talk to you.

Breathe.  The air is cool and clean.

You can no longer feel.

This is not real.

I said Breathe.

Fuck you.  I can't talk to you.

I don't want to breathe.

I can't breathe.  There is no air.

Have you forgotten all I know?

You reap what you sow.

Prickly thorns puncturing my brain.

Fuck you.  I am going under again.

Hello.  It's me, your mind.

Purple syrup flowing from the spotted fawn,

filling a pool for you to play in.

It's a sweet smell that fills the air.

It's a perfect night for purple hair.

Fuck you.  Crimson Red flowing down.

Little Sweetie, rub a dub dubs

with three men in a tub.

The smell of their shit is what fills the air.

Crimson Red is the color of her hair.

Have you forgotten all I know?

You reap what you sow.

Prickly thorns puncturing my brain.

Fuck you.  I'm going under again.

Hello.  It's me, your mind.

You are laying in a sunlit field of lovely flowers.

A beautiful place to watch the clouds float by.

You are wearing a purple flowing gown,

Surrounded by soft, pure, white, fluffy down.

Fuck you.  Hard, cold table underneath me.

Darkness surrounds, I can hardly see.

Crimson Red is covering my skin.

And this is when hell begins with Rin Tin Tin.

Have you forgotten all that I know?

You reap what you sow.

Prickly thorns puncturing my brain.

Fuck you.  I am going under again.

Under again.

And you'll ask me where I've been,

And I'll have to tell you over and over again.

I've been to hell and back.

I've been hung from the rack.

I've been contained in a sack.

I've been covered and smothered,

And over me they have hovered.

I have not forgotten.

And I feel fucking rotten.

Blood flows from the prickly thorns in my brain,

Flooding my life with Crimson Rain.

Fuck you.  I am going under again.

Under again, under again.

My eyes are pouring Crimson Red.

And now I lay down my head.

Dead.

Dead.

Dead.

8/24/2004

DEV





RIN TIN TIN

HEAD GAMES

PEOPLE CAN REALLY BE PISS ANTS.  YOU KNOW, THOSE ITTY BITTY TINY LITTLE BLACK ANTS THAT CRAWL IN THROUGH THE CRACKS AND DRIVE YOU CRAZY.  THAT IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT 'N', THE THERAPIST.  SHE IS A PISS ANT.  AND ALONG WITH HER, THAT SO CALLED 'GROUP' SHE LEADS IS THE SAME...A BUNCH OF PISS ANTS.  THIS IS NOTHING BUT CRAP.   THERAPY IS NOTHING BUT CRAP.  IT IS NOTHING MORE THAN A HEAD GAME.

ANGRY DEV

THAT IS MY NEW NAME.  ANGRY DEV.