WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?



Copyright: Adam Scott Miller, Path with Heart

Yes, I know the answer to the question.  I just hate it when you go away, "N/SW".  It really frightens me.  I feel small.  I feel lost.  But, I DO NOT FEEL ANGRY.  Now that is a change for me.  I think I would rather be angry than feel this emptiness inside.   I am not used to this feeling.  It is new to me.  You are the one that has helped me find this 'un-angry Dev'.  But I am not sure I like him/me.  I do not like the pain it creates, the sadness, the fear.  I am supposed to be FEARLESS.  That is my role.  To be and do the ugly, the vile, the sick, the evil, and all those things they made me do.  You say I did not choose to be his son, that I do NOT HAVE TO BE HIS SON.  But, he is my father.  HE CHOSE ME.  Do you want me to die "N/SW"?  If I deny him I will die.  I will never be safe again.  No one will be safe again. 

I cannot write anymore or I will need to do something to stop the pain and I don't want to do anything BAD.  I am sick of being BAD.  Okay?

Dev



Blogger sites suck

why do you always mess with this blog.  I hate you.

DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

 DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

When you realize your truth are their lies

No longer is there anything to believe.

Nothing.

Nothing.

Nothing left to believe.

Belief is trust.

Trust is a hoax.

Hoax is your life.

Life is void.

Void is dead.

Dead is living in the darkness which permeates the soul.

All is bemused.

Nothing is real.

The mind, brutally severed from life

Is cast adrift into the abyss,

Existing alone

In the prison of its own reality.

DEV

4-22-94

  

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Picture from tumblr_lb4rc9frzX1qbuouio1_500 

Bittersweet Symphony

I am here in my mold.

YOU CANNOT HELP ME...

THE CORE

Copyright protected.  These are my words.  Please do not use, copy or alter in anyway.  Thank you.




copyright on photo

In the beginning,

               There was one, innocent and fragile,

               A delicate balance of life. 

Out of fear,

               Came another to save you,

               To keep you sane.

Another, out of anger

               An uncontrollable rage,

 And yet, another out of pain,

               A pain so loud, so deep,

               That not even ANOTHER could yield silence.

Nor, another.

Nor, another.

Many have tried, to no avail.

Your pain still screams, piercing the night.

It echoes in our hearts.

We are your soul.

We are your being.

We are your survivors.

We live for you.

We feel for you.

We are your protection.

You are hidden, forever safe.

Free from the darkness of the past.

Free from the trepidation of the future.

We live in your silence.

We live in your absence.

We are you—but separate.

You are the trunk,

We are the branches.

You are the river,

We are the ocean.

You are the mirror,

We are the reflection.

You are life,

We are the expression of life.

You are the core.

The place where we begin,

The place where we end.

All of us—we are your Pride.

Separate, yet together.

Many, albeit, one.

IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!

'N/SW',

Why do we always have to argue about who will see you?  It is so unfair.  There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say.  There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel.  Why I am feeling all of these emotions?  Where are they coming from?  I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil.  And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. 

AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE.  I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME.  I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I FEEL MESSED UP.  I AM MESSED UP.  THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.  YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP. 

I KNOW YOU HATE ME.  I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.  WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?  IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?  I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.  AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.  IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE. 

I HATE YOU.  I HATE THERAPY.  I HATE LIFE.  I HATE EVERYTHING.  FUCK THE WORLD. 

SIMF.

DEV

THE LIST

IS THE SHELL BEGINNING TO CRACK?

TO ‘N/SW’,

ON MY WAY HOME, AFTER OUR SESSION, I WAS THINKING, “WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TO COME OUT AND TALK TO YOU?” (THAT WAS YOUR QUESTION).  I THINK IT IS MORE THAN “BARBIE BAD ASS”!! LOL

I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A LIST SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY?  BECAUSE—IT FUCKING BLOWS MY MIND THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.  TODAY IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SAID ALOUD THOSE “WORDS”.  YOU KNOW, THE ONES ABOUT ‘TINY’  AND THE CATS.  I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS HERE DUDE.  THAT WAS THE FIRST FUCKING TIME EVER.   AND THE THING ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THE KNIFE, TOO.   SO HERE GOES.

THE LIST

1.      YOU SEEM PRESENT IN THE ROOM, UNLIKE THE PREVIOUS THERAPIST.

2.      YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A COLD FISH.

3.      YOU TALK TO ME.

4.      IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FAKE.

5.      YOU ARE VERY SMART.  i.e., YOU DON’T DO STUPID!  LOL

6.      I FEEL LIKE YOU ‘GET IT’. i.e., LIKE THE CUTTING AND WHY I DO IT.

7.      YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHO I AM AND WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. (FUCK THAT SENTENCE SOUNDS STUPID. i yam what i yam what i yam!!)

8.      YOU SEEM ACCEPTING OF ME AND ALLOW ME TO BE MYSELF, AS UGLY AS THAT MIGHT BE.

9.      YOU SEEM GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ‘JUST A HUMAN BEING’ WITH YOUR OWN FLAWS.

10.   YOU CAN ADMIT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AND SHARE THE WORK YOU HAVE DONE.

11.   YOU ARE NOT AFRAID TO SHOW ANGER AT INJUSTICES.

12.   YOU CAN SEEM VULNERABLE. (I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY).

13.   YOU LISTEN.

OKAY.  I GUESS I WILL STOP ON LUCKY 13.  I SHOULD ADD TWO MORE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MY AGE!!  BUT I AM SUDDENLY FEELING VERY TIRED.  SO I NEED TO GO BACK IN AND LET SOMEONE ELSE COME TO THE FRONT.



Picture by Amanda Richards on Flickr.  No copyright infringement intended.