WARNING. Enter this sight at your own risk. Ugliness exists. You may not like what you see. It may sting you like a bumble bee. It may trigger a memory, sending you to the crematory. P.S. No porn just topic and lanuage could possibly offend. But I have to be real, I cannot pretend. This blog is for me, not you. So, if you do not like, then shoo.

Friday, October 7, 2011

Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP

I think someone from my past must have put a curse on me.  It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gets much better.  I try to take all the advice from my teacher.  We have started djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.  I am not saying drumming does not help.  It is awesome.  It is very relaxing.  We are starting Tai Chi.  We go to group.  We try not to miss any sessions or group. 

I guess all of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.  Everyone makes it seem so easy.  Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this instead of that.  Fuck I hate that word.  Choose my ass.  We can’t even make a simple decision like where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.

I just feel trapped.  I am trapped in a situation I don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.  Trapped is a trigger.  I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.

How do I get rid of the triggers?  I have worked on my abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.  I give up.  I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.  I feel like I will never be connected to anyone.  I know we are all connected.  But what does that feel like?

What does it feel like to have a soul connection to another human?