WARNING

WARNING. Enter this sight at your own risk. Ugliness exists. You may not like what you see. It may sting you like a bumble bee. It may trigger a memory, sending you to the crematory. P.S. No porn just topic and lanuage could possibly offend. But I have to be real, I cannot pretend. This blog is for me, not you. So, if you do not like, then shoo.































Friday, July 29, 2011

Why do I have to keep on living

No one really has to read this...it is going to be nothing but negativity.  I have been suicidal since Tuesday evening.  Saw a fill in therapist Wednesday evening since 'N/SW' was out of town, AGAIN.
I guess it helped.  She was very nice and we talked for about two hours.  We made a plan to keep me alive...whoopee shit.  Yesterday I spent the entire day, 9 to 5, at 'N/SW'  office.  I worked with clay, wrote, played with the cat.  I finally decided I needed to come home.  I am a little vague about what happened after that, except for brushing the dog and then going to bed.

I have been awake since 1:15 am and I cannot go back to sleep.  I layed there until 3:30 am and I just could not take it anymore. 

I am sick of being alive.  I hate this life.  I hate being in the same room with 'H'.   I hate my mind.  I hate everything.  I am a loser.  I am nothing.  I just want to die.  No one cares about me.  Why should they?  No one ever cares about anyone.

It is nothing but bullshit.  It is ARTIFICIAL BAIT.  WE ARE ALONE.  EVERYONE IS ALONE.  NOTHING WE DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.  NOTHING EVER HELPS FOR VERY LONG.  I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE.  I CANNOT FILL THE VOID.  ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO ESCAPE IT. 

I GO TO SEE 'N/SW' TODAY.  SHE IS BACK FROM HER TRIP.  BUT, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO.  SHE CAN'T HELP ME.  I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF AND I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT.  BESIDES, I HATE HER.

Friday, July 22, 2011

TGIF

This has been the longest week.  I am so glad it is Friday.  Freedom starts Sunday.  Yesterday was a better day.  I did a lot in our room. 


Spending the day at your office Wednesday was the cure for our anger and malaise.  It had been too long since we cried--especially since we cried from the depths of our soul.  It has such a cleansing effect; it calms the “beasts” inside. 


We have just not been able to write anything productive.  I hope it comes back, because it helped so much and gave us such a sense of accomplishment.  I guess if I cannot write I will work on our room some more.  I want to be able to draw and paint.  I need to be creative.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

NO PRIVACY, NOTHING BELONGS JUST TO ME!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA...


I don't mean to be a bitch or maybe I do.  But, I just want him to STAY OUT of my room.  I was up around 5:00am and when I went into my room, he had left some of his shit papers and a bill on MY COMPUTER.  I hate him.  It ruined my whole day.  I could not write anything worth a damn.  Now I feel all this negative energy in here and I do not know how to make it go away.  Why did he leave that crap on my computer.  Oh, I know why.  He is like a fucking male dog marking his territory.  Asshole.  I have to go to your office today.  I talked to 'D' yesterday and she asked me if I was coming to 'hang out'.  I told her I probably would and now I know I AM FOR SURE.  I did not want to leave your office yesterday.  It just feels so positive and I do not feel like all the walls are closing in on me like at home.  I don't know where all this anger comes from...I feel like I am going to explode.  The problem is that my anger scares me.  I feel like I will lose control of myself...like I will go insane.  Then it turns to pain and the pain feels overwhelming and I need to make it stop.  Then, someone else will 'come out'.  This can be positive.  It just depends on who it is...it could be negative it they are feeling the pain and try to stop it by cutting.  Life is so fucked up.  I cannot deal with this.  I have to go.

'fml1'

Saturday, July 16, 2011

DEPRESSION, SADNESS, FEAR, ANGER, HATE, LOVE




"N/SW"

We are so depressed.  No one has the courage to leave him in the den and come up to our room where we feel safe...where we can write or I can make pictures.  I am so sick of watching TV.  It is boring.  It makes me want to eat.  How are we going to get through the next week with him here and you gone.  I could scream.  It feels impossible.  SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS IMPOSSIBLE. 

The 'cook' cooked today.  But other than that we have hardly done anything.  We got up at 5:00am and that is way too long to be up.  Maybe we should just go to bed and read.  This has become the blog for others to post their feelings because other blogs can no longer be used.  'R' is totally pissed off. 

Oh well, I guess I will go.   You won't see this anyway...I am not going to write it in our journal.  When you finally return, there is no need to overwhelm you with pages and pages of bull shit.  I know a lot of us miss you and hope you are okay. 

DEV

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?


Copyright: Adam Scott Miller, Path with Heart


Yes, I know the answer to the question.  I just hate it when you go away, "N/SW".  It really frightens me.  I feel small.  I feel lost.  But, I DO NOT FEEL ANGRY.  Now that is a change for me.  I think I would rather be angry than feel this emptiness inside.   I am not used to this feeling.  It is new to me.  You are the one that has helped me find this 'un-angry Dev'.  But I am not sure I like him/me.  I do not like the pain it creates, the sadness, the fear.  I am supposed to be FEARLESS.  That is my role.  To be and do the ugly, the vile, the sick, the evil, and all those things they made me do.  You say I did not choose to be his son, that I do NOT HAVE TO BE HIS SON.  But, he is my father.  HE CHOSE ME.  Do you want me to die "N/SW"?  If I deny him I will die.  I will never be safe again.  No one will be safe again. 

I cannot write anymore or I will need to do something to stop the pain and I don't want to do anything BAD.  I am sick of being BAD.  Okay?

Dev



Tuesday, July 12, 2011