WARNING

WARNING. Enter this sight at your own risk. Ugliness exists. You may not like what you see. It may sting you like a bumble bee. It may trigger a memory, sending you to the crematory. P.S. No porn just topic and lanuage could possibly offend. But I have to be real, I cannot pretend. This blog is for me, not you. So, if you do not like, then shoo.































Friday, October 7, 2011

Sometimes I Just Want to Give UP


I think someone from my past must have put a curse on me.  It feels like no matter what I do, nothing gets much better.  I try to take all the advice from my teacher.  We have started djembe drumming and buffalo drumming.  I am not saying drumming does not help.  It is awesome.  It is very relaxing.  We are starting Tai Chi.  We go to group.  We try not to miss any sessions or group. 

I guess all of this is my fault because I CHOOSE not to get better.  Everyone makes it seem so easy.  Just CHOOSE to leave. Just CHOOSE this instead of that.  Fuck I hate that word.  Choose my ass.  We can’t even make a simple decision like where we want to eat, much less a life changing decision.

I just feel trapped.  I am trapped in a situation I don’t know how to get out of and it triggers things from the past.  Trapped is a trigger.  I have so many triggers it is unbelievable.

How do I get rid of the triggers?  I have worked on my abuse for so many years and yet the past still seems to control my mind.  I give up.  I feel like I am never going to know happiness or peace or contentment.  I feel like I will never be connected to anyone.  I know we are all connected.  But what does that feel like?

What does it feel like to have a soul connection to another human? 

Saturday, September 3, 2011

SICK OF LIVING HERE...

I am so sick of being here. I don't know if I am sick of being alive or just sick of being in this fucked up situation I refuse to leave. I feel like I just want to run away. Everytime I do anything it is wrong. Everytime I open my mouth I am accused of trying to tell him what to do or his favorite term "supervising". I know I am not perfect. He always says I accuse him...that everything is HIS fault, that it is never ME. But, that is not the truth. I told him that was a bunch of shit. I have been in therapy for over 20 years working on all my issues--that he is the one that refuses to go into therapy and get help. I can't take this shit much longer. I feel like I could scream. THen I feel like I could curl up in the fetal position and hide in a corner some place. I just want to cry and I can't. I feel like I am going to explode. I want out of here. I just have no place to go...no job...no way of supporting myself. I have not worked in so many years. No one is going to hire me. Then I have my handicaps to deal with...life sucks and then you die. AIE

Thursday, August 4, 2011

SO WHAT, WE FORGOT TO EAT...

Okay so I got all involved with making pictures and I forgot to eat.  Why is this such a big deal?  It is not the first time and it probably will not be the last.  I just like doing those pictures.  I wanted to show them to you Wednesday when we saw you but fml1 was with you.


He is coming home tonight.  Crap.  EF EF EF EF EF EF EF….


‘N/SW’, I really need to see you next week.  What I mean is I need to be ‘out’ when we are there…I feel like I am going to lose it big time.  I hate feeling so weak.  It scares me.  I get this feeling of doom like something horrible is going to happen and I won’t be able to stop it.  I thought about calling you today...but you know that is not going to happen. 

I just feel like a royal pain in the ass.  I don’t want to be this needy, clingy little brat bothering you all the time.  I know you have your own life.  But right now we don’t have much a life except for you and group.  And I don’t feel like I can call them.  I know---that is not your problem.

I was always angry with the other T.  Now, with you, I feel sad.  Is that better?  It does not feel better.  But, at least I have not done anything to hurt the body.

We all have so much to tell you and there just is not enough time for all of us to ‘come out’ in our session and talk.  Did you like the box?  You probably think it looks stupid.  But, we do work well together when we put our minds to it.  Our room is turning out to be a group project too.  I am so glad we have it.  This has to be one of the best ideas you have come up with so far.  It is starting to feel safe.  It is starting to feel like ours.  Now if we could just get a lock on the door to keep HIM out.  That is going to be a monumental task for us because we are all afraid of his anger. 


Oh well, I guess I better start locking up the filing cabinet and the trunk before he gets here. 

Thank you for all you do for us.  I never thought I would be able to connect to you after what the last T did to us.  But, I do believe we are all starting to trust you…..even fml3.  He reminds me of the way I used to be.  I pity you!!!

Dev J



Friday, July 29, 2011

Why do I have to keep on living

No one really has to read this...it is going to be nothing but negativity.  I have been suicidal since Tuesday evening.  Saw a fill in therapist Wednesday evening since 'N/SW' was out of town, AGAIN.
I guess it helped.  She was very nice and we talked for about two hours.  We made a plan to keep me alive...whoopee shit.  Yesterday I spent the entire day, 9 to 5, at 'N/SW'  office.  I worked with clay, wrote, played with the cat.  I finally decided I needed to come home.  I am a little vague about what happened after that, except for brushing the dog and then going to bed.

I have been awake since 1:15 am and I cannot go back to sleep.  I layed there until 3:30 am and I just could not take it anymore. 

I am sick of being alive.  I hate this life.  I hate being in the same room with 'H'.   I hate my mind.  I hate everything.  I am a loser.  I am nothing.  I just want to die.  No one cares about me.  Why should they?  No one ever cares about anyone.

It is nothing but bullshit.  It is ARTIFICIAL BAIT.  WE ARE ALONE.  EVERYONE IS ALONE.  NOTHING WE DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH.  NOTHING EVER HELPS FOR VERY LONG.  I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE.  I CANNOT FILL THE VOID.  ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO ESCAPE IT. 

I GO TO SEE 'N/SW' TODAY.  SHE IS BACK FROM HER TRIP.  BUT, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO.  SHE CAN'T HELP ME.  I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF AND I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT.  BESIDES, I HATE HER.

Friday, July 22, 2011

TGIF

This has been the longest week.  I am so glad it is Friday.  Freedom starts Sunday.  Yesterday was a better day.  I did a lot in our room. 


Spending the day at your office Wednesday was the cure for our anger and malaise.  It had been too long since we cried--especially since we cried from the depths of our soul.  It has such a cleansing effect; it calms the “beasts” inside. 


We have just not been able to write anything productive.  I hope it comes back, because it helped so much and gave us such a sense of accomplishment.  I guess if I cannot write I will work on our room some more.  I want to be able to draw and paint.  I need to be creative.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

NO PRIVACY, NOTHING BELONGS JUST TO ME!!!

I HAVE NO IDEA...


I don't mean to be a bitch or maybe I do.  But, I just want him to STAY OUT of my room.  I was up around 5:00am and when I went into my room, he had left some of his shit papers and a bill on MY COMPUTER.  I hate him.  It ruined my whole day.  I could not write anything worth a damn.  Now I feel all this negative energy in here and I do not know how to make it go away.  Why did he leave that crap on my computer.  Oh, I know why.  He is like a fucking male dog marking his territory.  Asshole.  I have to go to your office today.  I talked to 'D' yesterday and she asked me if I was coming to 'hang out'.  I told her I probably would and now I know I AM FOR SURE.  I did not want to leave your office yesterday.  It just feels so positive and I do not feel like all the walls are closing in on me like at home.  I don't know where all this anger comes from...I feel like I am going to explode.  The problem is that my anger scares me.  I feel like I will lose control of myself...like I will go insane.  Then it turns to pain and the pain feels overwhelming and I need to make it stop.  Then, someone else will 'come out'.  This can be positive.  It just depends on who it is...it could be negative it they are feeling the pain and try to stop it by cutting.  Life is so fucked up.  I cannot deal with this.  I have to go.

'fml1'

Saturday, July 16, 2011

DEPRESSION, SADNESS, FEAR, ANGER, HATE, LOVE




"N/SW"

We are so depressed.  No one has the courage to leave him in the den and come up to our room where we feel safe...where we can write or I can make pictures.  I am so sick of watching TV.  It is boring.  It makes me want to eat.  How are we going to get through the next week with him here and you gone.  I could scream.  It feels impossible.  SOMETIMES EVERYTHING FEELS IMPOSSIBLE. 

The 'cook' cooked today.  But other than that we have hardly done anything.  We got up at 5:00am and that is way too long to be up.  Maybe we should just go to bed and read.  This has become the blog for others to post their feelings because other blogs can no longer be used.  'R' is totally pissed off. 

Oh well, I guess I will go.   You won't see this anyway...I am not going to write it in our journal.  When you finally return, there is no need to overwhelm you with pages and pages of bull shit.  I know a lot of us miss you and hope you are okay. 

DEV

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO LEAVE?


Copyright: Adam Scott Miller, Path with Heart


Yes, I know the answer to the question.  I just hate it when you go away, "N/SW".  It really frightens me.  I feel small.  I feel lost.  But, I DO NOT FEEL ANGRY.  Now that is a change for me.  I think I would rather be angry than feel this emptiness inside.   I am not used to this feeling.  It is new to me.  You are the one that has helped me find this 'un-angry Dev'.  But I am not sure I like him/me.  I do not like the pain it creates, the sadness, the fear.  I am supposed to be FEARLESS.  That is my role.  To be and do the ugly, the vile, the sick, the evil, and all those things they made me do.  You say I did not choose to be his son, that I do NOT HAVE TO BE HIS SON.  But, he is my father.  HE CHOSE ME.  Do you want me to die "N/SW"?  If I deny him I will die.  I will never be safe again.  No one will be safe again. 

I cannot write anymore or I will need to do something to stop the pain and I don't want to do anything BAD.  I am sick of being BAD.  Okay?

Dev



Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

DARKNESS, MY TRUTH



 DARKNESS, MY TRUTH

When you realize your truth are their lies
No longer is there anything to believe.
Nothing.
Nothing.
Nothing left to believe.

Belief is trust.
Trust is a hoax.
Hoax is your life.
Life is void.
Void is dead.


Dead is living in the darkness which permeates the soul.

All is bemused.
Nothing is real.

The mind, brutally severed from life
Is cast adrift into the abyss,
Existing alone
In the prison of its own reality.

DEV
4-22-94

  
Copyright protected.  Please do not copy or reproduce in any way shape or form.
Picture from tumblr_lb4rc9frzX1qbuouio1_500 

Monday, June 20, 2011

THE CORE

Copyright protected.  These are my words.  Please do not use, copy or alter in anyway.  Thank you.



copyright on photo



In the beginning,
               There was one, innocent and fragile,
               A delicate balance of life. 

Out of fear,
               Came another to save you,
               To keep you sane.

Another, out of anger
               An uncontrollable rage,

 And yet, another out of pain,
               A pain so loud, so deep,
               That not even ANOTHER could yield silence.

Nor, another.
Nor, another.

Many have tried, to no avail.
Your pain still screams, piercing the night.
It echoes in our hearts.

We are your soul.
We are your being.
We are your survivors.
We live for you.
We feel for you.
We are your protection.
You are hidden, forever safe.
Free from the darkness of the past.
Free from the trepidation of the future.

We live in your silence.
We live in your absence.
We are you—but separate.
You are the trunk,
We are the branches.
You are the river,
We are the ocean.
You are the mirror,
We are the reflection.
You are life,
We are the expression of life.

You are the core.
The place where we begin,
The place where we end.
All of us—we are your Pride.
Separate, yet together.
Many, albeit, one.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

IT WILL BE A FIGHT TO THE FINISH!



'N/SW',

Why do we always have to argue about who will see you?  It is so unfair.  There is not enough time in one hour to say the things we need to say.  There is not enough time to feel what I need to feel.  Why I am feeling all of these emotions?  Where are they coming from?  I have never been this way before...I have always been so mean and so evil.  And now, I just want to be nice...at least to you. 

AND NOW HERE COMES THE RAGE.  I CAN FEEL IT SWELLING INSIDE OF ME.  I CANNOT ALLOW THE ABOVE THOUGHTS TO SIT IN MY MIND FOR MORE THAN A FEW MINUTES.  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?  I FEEL MESSED UP.  I AM MESSED UP.  THERE IS NO HOPE FOR ME.  YOU MAY AS WELL GIVE IT UP. 
I KNOW YOU HATE ME.  I COULD SEE IT IN YOUR EYES YESTERDAY.  WHY DO YOU LOOK AT ME THAT WAY?  IS IT BECAUSE OF WHAT I TOLD YOU?  I SHOULD HAVE NEVER TOLD YOU ANYTHING.  AND I ONLY TOLD YOU ONE THING.  IF I TELL YOU MORE YOU WILL NEVER WANT TO SEE ME ANYMORE. 



I HATE YOU.  I HATE THERAPY.  I HATE LIFE.  I HATE EVERYTHING.  FUCK THE WORLD. 

SIMF.
DEV

Thursday, June 9, 2011

THE LIST


IS THE SHELL BEGINNING TO CRACK?

TO ‘N/SW’,

ON MY WAY HOME, AFTER OUR SESSION, I WAS THINKING, “WHAT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I WANT TO COME OUT AND TALK TO YOU?” (THAT WAS YOUR QUESTION).  I THINK IT IS MORE THAN “BARBIE BAD ASS”!! LOL

I AM GOING TO TRY TO MAKE A LIST SO I CAN UNDERSTAND WHY?  BECAUSE—IT FUCKING BLOWS MY MIND THAT THIS IS HAPPENING.  TODAY IS THE FIRST TIME I HAVE EVER SAID ALOUD THOSE “WORDS”.  YOU KNOW, THE ONES ABOUT ‘TINY’  AND THE CATS.  I AM BEING TOTALLY SERIOUS HERE DUDE.  THAT WAS THE FIRST FUCKING TIME EVER.   AND THE THING ABOUT GOING OUTSIDE WITH THE KNIFE, TOO.   SO HERE GOES.

THE LIST

1.      YOU SEEM PRESENT IN THE ROOM, UNLIKE THE PREVIOUS THERAPIST.
2.      YOU DO NOT ACT LIKE A COLD FISH.
3.      YOU TALK TO ME.
4.      IT DOES NOT FEEL LIKE YOU ARE FAKE.
5.      YOU ARE VERY SMART.  i.e., YOU DON’T DO STUPID!  LOL
6.      I FEEL LIKE YOU ‘GET IT’. i.e., LIKE THE CUTTING AND WHY I DO IT.
7.      YOU HELP ME UNDERSTAND WHO I AM AND WHY I AM THE WAY I AM. (FUCK THAT SENTENCE SOUNDS STUPID. i yam what i yam what i yam!!)
8.      YOU SEEM ACCEPTING OF ME AND ALLOW ME TO BE MYSELF, AS UGLY AS THAT MIGHT BE.
9.      YOU SEEM GENUINE AND AUTHENTIC ABOUT HOW YOU ARE ‘JUST A HUMAN BEING’ WITH YOUR OWN FLAWS.
10.   YOU CAN ADMIT YOU HAVE PROBLEMS AND SHARE THE WORK YOU HAVE DONE.
11.   YOU ARE NOT AFRAID TO SHOW ANGER AT INJUSTICES.
12.   YOU CAN SEEM VULNERABLE. (I DO NOT MEAN THAT IN A BAD WAY).
13.   YOU LISTEN.

OKAY.  I GUESS I WILL STOP ON LUCKY 13.  I SHOULD ADD TWO MORE BECAUSE THAT WOULD BE MY AGE!!  BUT I AM SUDDENLY FEELING VERY TIRED.  SO I NEED TO GO BACK IN AND LET SOMEONE ELSE COME TO THE FRONT.



Picture by Amanda Richards on Flickr.  No copyright infringement intended.

Friday, June 3, 2011

OUT OF CONTROL


HERE I AM!!!!




The old two for one…I strike when you least expect it and I am violently whirling out of control.

Yep, a freak of f**king nature...THAT WOULD BE ME.

I knew it would not last.  It never does and I should NEVER expect that it would.



I don’t even know why I feel so angry.  It just creeps up on me like a slithering snake.  It must be a trigger, but I cannot figure out what happens.  Is it the thought of you, ‘n/sw’?  That HAS to be it.  I just cannot feel close to ANYONE.  The minute I do, BAM…IT HITS ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS. 



I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO.  SHOULD I SCREAM OR HIT SOMETHING.  OR MAYBE I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND TAKE A FEW PILLS.  That usually does the trick. 



Honestly, I am hoping I can write my way out of this alien invasion of my brain.  That is what it feels like…the little space men have taken over my mind.  They are sucking up my brain waves and all that is left is my uncontrollable rage.

I am sitting here looking at this ass wipe computer screen.  My leg is shaking up and down, ninety miles an hour.  I feel like I am going to explode into another one million pieces for the billionth time.  Really, wtf?  I do not understand why I can’t get over this fear of attachment.  Yes, we have read the books.  Yes, we understand why it is here.  What difference has it made? 



I guess you want to help me…do you ‘n/sw’?  See, I don’t even know if I believe that, right at this moment.  You probably hate my guts.  You probably regret the day you took over my therapy from that loser asshole I had before you.  That wimpy little prick that screwed me over.  Twenty damn years with him…for what?  Just to let him hurt us like everyone else in our f**king life.  The last five years with him were nothing but a joke.  He proclaimed how much he wanted to repair the therapeutic relationship and he still wanted to be our therapist.  It was just empty words.  LIE AFTER LIE AFTER F**KING LIE.  WHY?  How could he do this to us?  Then when we would mention that he was not the same or that he had totally changed the way he treated us, or it seemed like he did not want to be our therapist any more, he would just say that it would be better this time.  He would tell us we were paranoid.  He would tell us we felt this way because of our past experiences.  HE WAS A BALL-LESS UNICH.  OH, EXCUSE ME!  That is redundant.   



And then the woman before him was just as bad.  She crossed boundaries too and then “the husband” turned her in because we were becoming a little less enmeshed and codependent from him.  So, he felt threatened.  Then we were banned from seeing her.  WTF?  Maybe we are not supposed to have therapy.  Maybe the gods are against us.  All I know is that this sucks big time and I am sick of all the bull shit. 



You know, you could have at least texted ‘A  ie’ back.  Maybe if you would have done that we would not be so f**king angry.  But, you did say that sometimes you do things to keep your clients ‘off guard’, to keep them from putting you on a pedestal.  Well, that is all fine and dandy.  But, it sure as hell is not helping us right now. 


GO TO HELL.
yOU ARE NO DIFFERENT
THAN THE REST.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

The MadHatter…Hats off to YOU, ‘N/SW’!!!


I DO NOT KNOW HOW YOU DID THIS...


OKAY…I just do not understand.  What the other T could not do in 20 years, you seem to have done in…how many months has it been since we started seeing you?  I am not even sure.  I would have to find a receipt or a calendar to look it up.  You were going to be insignificant in my eyes, so I was not paying attention.

By NO MEANS am I saying that you have totally gained our trust.  But, I will admit there are many who have begun to trust you and your opinions.  What is it about you?  Are you a hypnotist?  I do not think you are; you never talk about hypnosis.  I am puzzled.  So, being puzzled will keep me on the skeptical side.  I like to figure people out.  But, maybe because you seem so honest, forthright and open, there is nothing to figure out.  Is there really hope?  Do you honestly think we can thrive instead of survive?  Either we are totally duped or you are just a very good T.  So anyway, I just wanted to say:


This could all change in a matter of minutes!!!
As you well know!!!


Thursday, May 26, 2011

MY BODY FEELS LIKE RAW EMOTIONS


I do not know how to make this stop.  I feel sick.  I feel every nerve in my body is activated…is reacting to what is hidden inside.  The secrets are bursting at the seams.  Can’t you help me ‘N/SW’?  I know you cannot unless I let you know what is happening.  But, I would rather you read my mind.  I would rather you just know without me having to say the words. 
Don’t ask me to stay alive.  I am in too much pain.  I want you to help, but I cannot reach out because of the fear that paralyzes my body; the fear which keeps me drowning in the Crimson Red flowing so freely from my body, from my soul. 
I am sorry.  Truly, I am.  I do not deserve anyone like you. 
FREEDOM



Wednesday, May 25, 2011

You Will Not Make Me Speak…

THIS IS WHAT I WAS TOLD.  THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.

Even if I believed you wanted to hear about the pain I endured, I cannot tell you.  The words will not come out.  They would contaminate you.  You would hate me. 
Were you angry with me?  Yesterday, when you walked into the room, I could see it in your face.  I could see it in your eyes.  You were so angry.  Was it something we did?  It hurt to see you that way ‘N/SW’.  That is the reason we had to run out of group and hide in the bathroom.  It scared us to see you that way.  Angry people scare us.  And so we run and hide, because that is about the only way we have learned to deal with anger.  We either run and hide or WE BECOME ANGRY.  ANGRY IS BAD.  Good girls are not supposed to get angry.  Good girls just do what they are told and do not speak about it.  This is what I was taught.  It is hard to think otherwise.  If I tell anyone, someone or something is going to get hurt or killed.  These were the words they used to control me.  These are the word I hear when I want to talk to you.  You have to help me. 
We are sinking fast.  We are starting to drown.  It won’t be long now.  I will be lost forever.  I keep floating farther from the shore and the waves are churning.  I cannot find anything on which to cling.  You keep saying you are not leaving, you are not going away.  But, then you are leaving.  You are going away again for two weeks.  I know you have your own life. 
THIS IS WHY I HATE THERAPY.  I CANNOT DO THIS.  WE HAVE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE AND WE GOT HURT AGAIN, IT FELT THE SAME AS THE PAST.  ALL PAIN FEELS THE SAME.  THERE ARE NO DEGREES.  JUST STAY AWAY FROM ME.  DO NOT SUCK ME INTO YOUR HEAD GAMES.  BECAUSE, IN THE END, YOU WILL THROW ME OUT WITH THE DIRT, THE DUST, THE GRIME…THAT IS ALL I AM.


Monday, May 16, 2011

The Road Less Traveled…Trust in Therapy.

YOU WANT ME TO WALK DOWN YOUR ROAD...This is what it looks like to me...



So yes I am terrified to take the first step.

Wouldn’t you be afraid if this is what you saw in front of you?  Wouldn’t your first instinct be to run in the other direction? 

If I lose my balance are you going to be able to catch me?

How will you make the bleeding stop while I am traveling down this path with you?  Because I know for certain this will be a path filled with pain and anguish.  I need answers.  I need to know you will not abandon me in the same way others before you abandoned me.

Just the thought of caring for anyone hurts me.  Just the thought of you being close causes so much pain.  How can I survive in agony?   Pain makes me cut.  Pain makes me destructive.

What do you want me to do?  You want me to trust.  You want me to learn to be nurtured.  You say people in my past never nurtured me, so I do not know how to accept nurturing from others.  The nurturing I did receive was something totally different.  You call it abuse.  But all those years I thought it was love.  I thought that was how people loved each other.  I thought that is what it meant to be a ‘good’ girl.  So, therefore, my idea of nurturing is way off base.  My idea of nurturing comes from perversions. 

LOVE = PAIN = LOVE = ABUSE = LOVE = SEX = LOVE = TORTURE = LOVE = BLOOD

All I can say to you is NOTHING.   NOTHING.  NOTHING.  NOTHING.

But, I really want to say:  help me, don’t leave me here alone, I need you, please do not go away, be with me in this sorrow called my life, take the little one’s hand, hold her through the pain, help me find freedom from the prison in which I reside. 

But the words do not make a sound.  When I am with you I am silent.  When you reach out I withdraw.  When you touch I cringe. 

Teach me to speak.  I need to find my voice.  Teach me to reach back.  Teach me that I am worthy of touch.

Just, teach me. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

MOTHER’S DAY, SMOTHERS DAY




Why did you hurt me? WHY?

Yes, that is correct.  You read it correctly.  Good for you.  So can you relate?  Do you know how it feels to have your own mother try to suffocate you with a pillow?  If you do, then you understand the pain I feel, the emptiness I feel, the longing for a Mother’s love.  It never goes away…that dream of feeling a gentle touch, a caring touch, a touch that does not cause pain.  I would give anything to be able to go back and make it all different.  But, instead I will continue to bleed for you Mother Dear.  I will continue to suffer at your hands.  I will honor and obey you in spite of your evil.  Why can’t you just leave me alone and get out of my head.  Go away.  Leave me alone.  I want to be free.  I want to be liberated from your prison.  Haven’t you kept me in your shackles long enough?  When will you ever be satisfied?  I know…when I finally sacrifice my life for you…but, haven’t I already done that?

PHOTO FROM:
hurt  japanese-buddhism com karma

Friday, May 6, 2011

TO BLEED OR NOT TO BLEED...THAT IS THE QUESTION.

Photo by ayame nothingnin

YOU CAN NEVER STOP ME

I bleed to stop the pain.  I bleed to feel relief.  I bleed to know that I am alive.  Nothing you say or do matters to me.   This is the only thing I can do.  This is the only thing I ever learned.   Some people drink to escape.  Some people do drugs to escape.  I CUT to escape.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

ABUSE and Its Aftermath




The many deaths of abuse.


Seeds of death are swelling inside
Like the carcass of an animal
Left in the desert, tainted and rotting,
On the verge of exploding.

As destiny has willed,
Violently it bursts,
To be savagely preyed upon by unearthly scavengers.
They feast upon the flesh and blood;
And when finally glutted,
Move on, waiting surreptitiously for
The next victim of their ungodly world.



Picture from web infiniteunknown.net



Friday, April 29, 2011

THE MASK...

If we take away the mask, is this what we will find?


Picture copyright:  Keith Schengili-Roberts


Thursday, April 28, 2011

YOUR SHADOW'S SECRETS

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil.


Swallow the bloody secrets
seeping from the corners of your mouth.
Keep them down.
Do not utter a sound.

Body trembling something awful,
It is getting impossible to bear,
Sitting all alone with your shadow
Clinging to the only thing you know.

How long have you been there?
Crying every time you turn around?
You cannot even pick your head up off the ground.
You utter not a sound.

No one speaks your language,
And fire has burned the bridge
from where you live, in the bottom of a well.
You think if you forget you will never have to tell.

You cannot bear to walk outside the door,
Or look into the mirror any more.
Memories crawl all around inside your clothes.
How long will you remain in your darkness—who the hell knows?

To 'A.  ie'

DEV
6-17-1996