WARNING. Enter this sight at your own risk. Ugliness exists. You may not like what you see. It may sting you like a bumble bee. It may trigger a memory, sending you to the crematory. P.S. No porn just topic and lanuage could possibly offend. But I have to be real, I cannot pretend. This blog is for me, not you. So, if you do not like, then shoo.
Friday, June 3, 2011
OUT OF CONTROL
HERE I AM!!!!
The old two for one…I strike when you least expect it and I am violently whirling out of control.
Yep, a freak of f**king nature...THAT WOULD BE ME.
I knew it would not last. It never does and I should NEVER expect that it would.
I don’t even know why I feel so angry. It just creeps up on me like a slithering snake. It must be a trigger, but I cannot figure out what happens. Is it the thought of you, ‘n/sw’? That HAS to be it. I just cannot feel close to ANYONE. The minute I do, BAM…IT HITS ME LIKE A TON OF BRICKS.
I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SHOULD I SCREAM OR HIT SOMETHING. OR MAYBE I SHOULD GET DRUNK AND TAKE A FEW PILLS. That usually does the trick.
Honestly, I am hoping I can write my way out of this alien invasion of my brain. That is what it feels like…the little space men have taken over my mind. They are sucking up my brain waves and all that is left is my uncontrollable rage.
I am sitting here looking at this ass wipe computer screen. My leg is shaking up and down, ninety miles an hour. I feel like I am going to explode into another one million pieces for the billionth time. Really, wtf? I do not understand why I can’t get over this fear of attachment. Yes, we have read the books. Yes, we understand why it is here. What difference has it made?
I guess you want to help me…do you ‘n/sw’? See, I don’t even know if I believe that, right at this moment. You probably hate my guts. You probably regret the day you took over my therapy from that loser asshole I had before you. That wimpy little prick that screwed me over. Twenty damn years with him…for what? Just to let him hurt us like everyone else in our f**king life. The last five years with him were nothing but a joke. He proclaimed how much he wanted to repair the therapeutic relationship and he still wanted to be our therapist. It was just empty words. LIE AFTER LIE AFTER F**KING LIE. WHY? How could he do this to us? Then when we would mention that he was not the same or that he had totally changed the way he treated us, or it seemed like he did not want to be our therapist any more, he would just say that it would be better this time. He would tell us we were paranoid. He would tell us we felt this way because of our past experiences. HE WAS A BALL-LESS UNICH. OH, EXCUSE ME! That is redundant.
And then the woman before him was just as bad. She crossed boundaries too and then “the husband” turned her in because we were becoming a little less enmeshed and codependent from him. So, he felt threatened. Then we were banned from seeing her. WTF? Maybe we are not supposed to have therapy. Maybe the gods are against us. All I know is that this sucks big time and I am sick of all the bull shit.
You know, you could have at least texted ‘A ie’ back. Maybe if you would have done that we would not be so f**king angry. But, you did say that sometimes you do things to keep your clients ‘off guard’, to keep them from putting you on a pedestal. Well, that is all fine and dandy. But, it sure as hell is not helping us right now.
GO TO HELL.
yOU ARE NO DIFFERENT
THAN THE REST.