No one really has to read this...it is going to be nothing but negativity. I have been suicidal since Tuesday evening. Saw a fill in therapist Wednesday evening since 'N/SW' was out of town, AGAIN.
I guess it helped. She was very nice and we talked for about two hours. We made a plan to keep me alive...whoopee shit. Yesterday I spent the entire day, 9 to 5, at 'N/SW' office. I worked with clay, wrote, played with the cat. I finally decided I needed to come home. I am a little vague about what happened after that, except for brushing the dog and then going to bed.
I have been awake since 1:15 am and I cannot go back to sleep. I layed there until 3:30 am and I just could not take it anymore.
I am sick of being alive. I hate this life. I hate being in the same room with 'H'. I hate my mind. I hate everything. I am a loser. I am nothing. I just want to die. No one cares about me. Why should they? No one ever cares about anyone.
It is nothing but bullshit. It is ARTIFICIAL BAIT. WE ARE ALONE. EVERYONE IS ALONE. NOTHING WE DO IS EVER GOOD ENOUGH. NOTHING EVER HELPS FOR VERY LONG. I FEEL EMPTY INSIDE. I CANNOT FILL THE VOID. ALL I CAN DO IS TRY TO ESCAPE IT.
I GO TO SEE 'N/SW' TODAY. SHE IS BACK FROM HER TRIP. BUT, WHAT GOOD DOES IT DO. SHE CAN'T HELP ME. I HAVE TO HELP MYSELF AND I JUST CAN'T FIGURE OUT HOW TO DO IT. BESIDES, I HATE HER.
This is the EXACT converstation I had with myself today..it is one Ikeep having and then pushing away but it keeps insisting on being heard.
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